To Face The Fear
And Not Feel ScaredPsssssst. Over here. Let's talk about one of the scariest things about being single--getting an STD/STI/HIV screening. Even if you know you've been fine, you've been safe, you are still scared $hitless waiting for the results. Because, what if? What if that one time that one thing happened, it made you sick, physically ill, in need of medical attention? You can list off stats from the Centers for Disease Control all day long but if you're one of the 10 out of the 10,000 who get HIV from one unprotected encounter that statistic doesn't help you very much. At any rate, I am being as optimistic as possible--my knowledge of microbiology and virology doesn't help, though. Everyone think positive thoughts, okay?
The Way You Look Tonight
Because I'd be Terrific Arm Candy, ObviouslyGuess who got invited to go with R to his company holiday party? That's right, yours truly. On Friday night. Woo! A holiday date. Yesssss!! I think I have the perfect black dress for it, too, and some cute strappy shoes that sparkle just a little.
Gym Germs
Now I just have to get well so I can spend some serious time at the gym....working my phat ass out. Seriously, you guys, just b/c I'm seeing someone, now is NOT the time to get lazy with the gym time. It is the time to ramp this shit up and keep my tummy flat and my ass as small as possible. The fact that I'm turning 25 soon also doesn't help--the older we get, the slower the old metabolism, right? And I'm supposed to be hitting my prime. It isn't going to get any better than this. However, I have seen some really gorgeous 30 somethings so perhaps if I continue to take good care of myself, I will have the same good fortune.
Baby, It's Cold Outside
An Irish Cure for the Common Cold?Whiskey, folks. Whiskey. I have been very, very ill today with a sore throat--the kind that hurts to swallow and feels hopelessly swollen. I even had some episodes of vomiting, which I think was separate (food poisoning perhaps!?). R called me today (Yeah!) around 1:30 and I told him I wasn't feeling well at all. He called back later around 7:30 to "check in" on me and then informed me he was coming over with soup. I told him I didn't really feel like eating, and that I was probably infectious, but he could not be swayed (Yeah! I didn't want him to let me talk him out of coming, anyway...)
So despite the fact that his plan was to head to his sibling's bar on the south side, he drove all the way out to the city to make me a hot drink that had the following: Tea, Lemon, Honey, Irish Whiskey. It actually worked wonders on my throat! Imagine that. I think he is the secret ingredient though.
Imagine that, I'm dating someone thoughtful, considerate, and willing to drive 40 minutes (round trip) to come and see me and make sure I was okay. No fuss with this man, he simply likes being around me. Perfect.
Because being 28 and smoking pot is no longer cool, that's why
What about C? I haven't called/emailed/texted him since that night I bolted from his shithole of an apartment. Frankly, I have spared myself a ton of drama with him--he is handsome and sexy but doesn't have it all together emotionally. Also, he wasn't really willing to inconvience himself for me in the slightest, there was no compromise there. He wanted everything on his terms, all of the time. If it involved him making an effort, well, then, forget it. He gave me the preview for a relationship I certainly don't want to be in, of the "Watch-me-try-to-motivate-this-man", or the "maybe-when-he's-in-love-with-me-he-will-change" variety. I think I have already made a cameo in that type of film before and I don't care to try it again.
Turkey Day
Mashed Potatoes Have Too Many CaloriesBut that won't stop our tragic heroine from adding to her gym time to avoid adding to her thighs. I am lucky that I am young, strong, and healthy. I should be thankful for all of those things and not make cracks about my expanding ass or immense thigh region. Haha.
Tomorrow I'm going to split the difference between some close friends' houses. Should be really good times.
I'm thankful to have friends that are like family. Great friends are TRULY the family we choose.
Tonight, Tonight
So tonight, R and I are going to order in pizza, salad and tiramisu, watch movies, and be lazy. He's had to work some late shifts this past week and could probably use a break. The movies and pizza are totally my treat, too. I swear to God I am going to fist fight him if he tries to pay the bill.
(Or maybe rock, paper, scissors. Good old rock! Nothing beats that!)
We'll be going out on a more "formal" date on Friday, probably to a steakhouse type place and then to see another comedy show, one that this blog's namesake, Kate (the real Kate) is starring in. Woo!
And Hello to you too
I was just noticing that whenever R shows up at my place to greet me, he hops out of his truck and he will gently (but firmly!) pull me close. I'll wrap my arms around his neck, and he'll tip me back a little and kiss me slowly and tenderly. Just like in the movies. Talk about your romantic greetings, you know? He is always so happy to see me, and after we kiss he's smiling softly and both of us are breathless. I mean, we're not THAT couple that's frenching on the street or anything--we're appropriate but definitely in our own little world.
Pour Some Sugar On Me
I have never been much for PDA, but with R it seems that we can't stand to be next to each other and not be touching in some way. I'll be sitting in his truck and he'll play with my hair or grab my hand or something. We'll be walking somewhere and he'll tuck me under his arm. We'll be trying to say goodbye and it will last 30-45 minutes. Something amazing is going on here, you guys. My head fits perfectly in the crook of his shoulder. The way he hugs me, it feels like he could make everything okay even if he didn't know what to say.
Cancel the tickets for the Guilt Trip, I'm not going
Maybe I should feel bad about CWhat is funny is that I don't. Do not. There have been little warning signs, little referees throwing the yellow flags onto the field with him here and there. There is no point in me feeling bad just to, well, feel bad.
It also doesn't hurt that I have plenty of choices. Tammy left a great comment indicating that men can tell when they are not being totally adored by a woman anymore--and you know what? I think she's right. He felt like I was being more distant because I WAS being more distant.
A Sweet Message from R
So R leaves me a message explaining that he was awakened from sleep early this morning (on what was SUPPOSED to be his day off) and called into work. Boo! That totally sucks for him. He was really sweet on the message though, kind of starting to laugh at one point while he was talking about what was going on with him. He has this deep, throaty laugh and gorgeous smile when he's amused. Just hearing him laugh for a second totally made me smile.
Train Wreck, Party of One
Tonight I learned a really important lesson:Don't do something just to make someone else happy.
Long story short, C called me a few times and really wanted me to come over. I didn't really feel like it (and was, I know, slap me, waiting for R to call) but I did it anyway, figuring that I should still continue to see him even though I am kind of nutty about R right now.
Big mistake. Huge.
I get to C's house and he's barely trying to kiss me or whatever. He keeps working on his stuff way past when he should have been. We're cuddling in bed and I'm talking quietly to him, and he interrupts, "Shh...we should get to sleep now." And this is when I kind of snapped, because he had done that before. I was talking to him about something important, and he was basically telling me to shut up.
We exchanged a few more words. He asked me if I was thinking about leaving. He asked me to come over and snuggle with him. He told me that he thought I didn't know what I wanted.
Overall I just got that gut feeling like I wanted to leave. So I did. Something is wrong there with him and I'm not going to stick around to find out. If he wants to call me again, fine, but I don't think that we are going anywhere fast.
I fear that I am not getting any better at choosing men.
I fear that I am not going to find someone who is going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated and absolutely love as much about me as possible.
I am going to keep trying, keep talking to people, keep seeing what's going on with R and keep my head up. Perhaps my problem is that I'm not as good at judging people on first impressions as I thought I was.
The balls' in my court and I need to keep my feet on the ground. I'm the one who has the choices, who has everything to offer. I'm not going to let C throw me off of my game completely. No one deserves that kind of consideration at this point.
"Strange Vibes"
Wherein C starts to smell a ratThe message I got from C last night:
Hey. I was thinking that we should see each other--I'm not adverse to taking [the subway] to come up and see you. Talk to you later."
While I was in the bath I got this message from C and then a message from R. And then I had to decide what I wanted to do.
(Cue Jeopardy! Theme)
So R wanted to come over and watch a movie with me, and I thought, great! But then I had to call C and make up some lame excuse.
K: "Hey, C. I got your message. I'd like to see you, too, but I am really busy with studying and need to get to bed early tonight."
C: "Yeah, okay. I just thought it would be good for us to see each other. Next week is going to be weird with Thanksgiving and all."
K: "Yeah. We'll figure it out. Maybe tomorrow?"
C: "Okay. Sounds good. Hey, is everything cool with us? I'm getting this strange vibe from you."
K: "Yeah, everything's fine. I have just been really busy with work, school, friends, etc."
C: "Okay then. Talk to you soon."
What's funny is that now that I have other things going on, now C is calling me 2x a day and leaving sweet messages saying that he wants to see me and that he'll endure the 30 minutes on the subway to do so. A week ago I would have been over the moon to get a message like that from him.
More about R
So we had a few little talks and I found out the following important
information about R:
He was really impressed the other night at the bar (where we met up with some of his friends) with how well I fit in with his group of friends. He said that it felt like we were way beyond our second date. I would have to agree. We made an extremely good appearance together. This could be a fluke, or it could just mean that we both have the same ideas about how someone we're dating is supposed to behave in public situations. He noted that his cousin and one of his good friends went out of their way to tell him how much they liked me. Sweet!
Seriously, he is amazing, you guys. I feel really comfortable with him, not that psycho out of control thing that I felt when I was trying to chase down C, but more of a calmness about the whole thing. I know R likes me. I like him. I feel good about this and excited about when I'm going to see him again.
It is also possible that I am just getting more comfortable with dating. It sounds AWFUL but I feel like I worked out some of the "kinks" (the things you SHOULDN'T say/do/talk about) on previous dates and now (albeit my usual weirdness) am a bit more polished and put together, just in time to meet someone amazing like R.
I'm sure there will be some embarrassing moments in store for me, in front of R, but they won't be because of inexperience. Probably because of general klutziness. I am klutz-tastic.
My Friend Wants to Kill Me
So one of my really good friends, a total confidant, told me that he doesn't want me to talk to him about my whole dating thing. I was really hurt about this because he was kind of the only one I was trusting enough to talk about things directly and ask questions to and stuff. So I'm bummed that he doesn't want to hear about things. I feel kind of stifled.
So there will probably be a lot more posts coming from me, maybe twice daily so that I can get out all of these thoughts.
I love your comments and your emails, everyone. Thanks for reading.
xo
K
All together now: "Oh, Yeah!"
Score one for Team R!So last night R planned this whole evening for us--out to a romantic, quiet old brownstone for an authentic Italian dinner and then to Wrigleyville for some improv comedy. Afterwards we hit up a bar and by 1:30 am, I was exhausted. I was totally yawning on the ride home. Oops.
R's amazing and totally fun, too. He actually does that thing where he'll switch sides if we're walking down the street so he can be on the car side. So if we're in a crosswalk and someone runs a light, they are going to hit him first.
[I didn't know about the above courtesy until I met Mr. Big, BTW. He was the first one to do that, and I gave him a moderate amount of shit about it. Hell, I still tease him about it by waving my hands back and forth on either side (sort of like the "Emergency signal" in Team America) to indicate: "WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW?!?!"]
Taking me on dates is probably getting EXPENSIVE for R at this point. I mean, a concert, parking, dinner, dinner (again), parking, a comedy show, drinks, etc. He's the one doing the inviting though, so he must be fine with it. I know, I shouldn't worry about this stuff and I have been really appreciative of him but feel kinda bad. Or maybe the guys I've been with have been letting me do too much. Maybe I should sit back and let someone take care of me and repay them with the pleasure of my company (hahahah) and stunning good looks (heheheheheh!).
Maybe we should make Hallmark Cards?
I think it is all worth his while, though. At one point we were totally just kissing on some random street. How did we get to this point? Well. He had leaned over to kiss me while we were walking (which has happened before with us, a couple of kisses, no big deal, right?) but this time he pulled me in all the way. We were on one of those pretty residential streets full of big brick three-stories with lumbering porches and white lights in the trees...and here I am, breathless in the arms of this man I've spent under 10 hours with.
Yeah, we were that couple that can kiss and walk at the same time. I know. Everybody barf now.
The kicker is that I asked him if he was normally this affectionate in public. His response: "Never."
Who Wants To Come in Second? (Anyone? Bueller?)
If things get more exclusive with R, I think I'll have to 'break up' with C, let him know that I'm seeing someone else that I want to be with. I am starting to already feel bad about C, seeing as he is a clear second choice already. The bad part about this, is, what if I meet someone I like more than R? Is that POSSIBLE? When do you stop "trading up?" I don't want to hurt any of these guys or be a total heartbreaker or anything. I know they are big boys and that I have no commitment to them, but it's wrong on some level to sneak past a man's defenses, get totally under his skin and then suddenly break up with him (when nothing's 'wrong', per se) because you meet someone you like 'better.'
Now That's Romantic
So I got this love poem today from a suitor on Match.com:I want to make you mine
Slap your phat behind
Tie you down and make you whine
I want you to scratch my itch
And be my bitch
Because I love you, girl.
(To be fair, it's a friend of mine, and this really cracked my shit up. Thank you for that.)
Another Hat In The Ring
Wherein our previous front runner is given a run for his moneySo tonight I went out with R, a handsome paramedic from the city. He drives a big pickup truck and was a serious gentleman. Mmmmm. He was waiting in my lobby for me (parked his truck in my building despite the outrageous parking fees) and when I saw him I was pleasantly surprised--very good looking and nice body too. Yay! I knew that I thought he was funny and smart over the phone, but, yeah. Wow. He is an ex-Marine (!) and definitely looks the part, packed in his stacks and excellent posture. He even sports a short haircut which makes him look very clean-cut. Yeah!
We had a great time at the concert, lots of good laughs, and as soon as we were standing/dancing/singing, he totally threw his arm around me and then didn't want to take his hands off of me after that. Woo! We even held hands on the way back to the parking lot.
So, we're sitting in his truck in front of my building, and he leans in to give me a kiss. And he kisses me, and kisses me, and kisses me. And, wow. Yeah.
It was nice to be treated like I was a total prize, a total queen. So there are some total sparks there, for sure. Unless he's just unbelievably smooth and is able to finesse everyone the way he did me. I sooooooo don't want to believe that right now, though.
So, let's do a head-by-head comparison of these two:
R (Challenger)//C (Returning Champion)
29, Ex-Marine, Paramedic//28, Engineer, Student
5'11, short black hair, brown eyes//5'11, curly blond hair, blue eyes
Smokes when drinking//Smokes pot occasionally
Occasional drinker//Regular drinker
Divorced (1 year ago?), No kids//Separated (1 year ago), No kids
Taurus//Libra
From Chicago//From Ohio
Lives approx. 40 min away//Lives approx. 25 min away
First Date: Concert, Dinner//First Date: Drinks @ a bar
Has a pet cat//Watches his ex's pet occasionally
So there you have it. Place your bets accordingly. Upon meeting R, I was pulled out of my lovesick daze for C and snapped into my A-Game. Funny how fickle I am.
Everyone cross your fingers that R gives me a call in the next few days, okay?
xo,
K
Life More Interesting?
She's Come Undone (Almost)So as you could tell from my previous post, I was in a bit of a tailspin from being around C, the hot engineer that really made me stop, look and listen. I still totally dig him, but have been able to get a grip on myself. I am feeling more secure about how he feels about me because of some of the things he has said and done recently. We had a conversation where he brought up the fact that he hoped that I thought of him as my boyfriend. Everyone, collectively--"Awwwww!" Right? But here's the kicker--he doesn't really care if I keep seeing other people because he says that "I'll win out anyway, you'll still pick me." And in a way, he's right, he is the uncontested front runner, but he doesn't have to be reassured of that. Hee.
He'll be downtown on Friday night, maybe he'll call me when he's done with school so we can hang out.
Rock out (hopefully not with your cock out)
Tonight I am going to a concert. Woo! I am pretty excited about it. I kind of can't wait to eat concession stand food and listen to music that I am definitely going to think is WAY TOO LOUD!
Exhausted!
That is about it for now. All of this dating makes me tired. I know you all feel really sorry for me on that count. Work is stressful (always is), and I feel overwhelmed with other little things to do (paperwork for med school, paperwork for scholarships, etc) but am trying to get what needs to get done, done.
If I don't get back to you before then, have a fabulous weekend.
xo
K
OMG!
Downtown Girl, MD!Thanks everyone for your prayers and kind words and support. As of Friday afternoon I knew I was accepted to an MD program that I really love. Hurray! I'm going to be a doctor! I can't believe it! I am so incredibly excited.
Now onto the man news. I know that's why you are all here, you drama queens.
Visit from Mr. Big, Canceled
So my #1, Mr. Unavailable, was supposed to come into town on Monday/Tuesday. I am bummed because he is completely amazing, both inside the bedroom and out. Perhaps it is good in some regard that he is not coming, because it forces me to move on with things in other areas of my life. This fact does not console me, however. It is what it is, I suppose.
Current Front Runner: Update
So I went with him to meet a couple of his friends out at a bar. This guy is not the touchy-feely type in public at all, but a few times, under the table, he would grab my hand or run his hand along my leg. I made extra special sure not to respond outwardly, so that we could keep our covert PDA under wraps. What was interesting was that I know he's not really into doing that but it was like he couldn't keep his hands off of me. Granted, I looked pretty hot in a black halter dress and kitten heels. But still. For someone who despises PDA, to be holding my hand under a tiny cocktail table seems big. I could be wrong, though.
AND THEN, as we were laying in bed, getting ready to fall asleep (now granted, he had had a few drinks, but still)...
Me: You falling asleep?
Him (sleepy, groggy voice): Yeah, I'm falling.
Me: (quiet)
Him: (much softer) I'm totally falling for you.
Me: (quiet)
What I was thinking: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!
Now. Regroup. Focus. I know people say all kinds of things when they have been drinking a little, but, this. This is kind of big, no?
Also, this morning I was laying on my side, and he was laying on his side, and he rolls over and lays on his back and looks at me. Smiling, he patted his chest and said, "Come here. Rest with me over here."
You guys, he totally wanted me to snuggle up to him in the nook! And then he kissed my forehead when I did. I think that's serious business, team! Also, if you read a post of mine a few times back, I had written about someone who would pat the smooth cool of his chest for me, AND THIS GUY DID IT. Now, maybe I'm giving him too much credit, but him doing that seemed very tender and really cool. If I'm standing somewhere, he'll come up and put both arms around my waist from behind. When he hugs me, he squeezes. He kisses my forehead and the tip of my nose and the back of my neck.
So, I think things are going well with him. We haven't slept together yet (I'm kind of holding out, team, waiting to see if he's into me. Whaddya think?)...but I am thinking it could be good times. I just don't want to go it too soon because I want to make sure he really likes me first. I'm not sleeping with anyone that I don't really like, that doesn't really like me too. I'm worth more than that.
As a friend would say, "I'd sleep with X, but I wouldn't feel good about myself." I want to avoid that!
Bring in the Bench Warmers!
So what about the second string of Match dot commers? Well there are only two right now that I am kind of talking to. The Firefighter, the Jewboy, and OfficeSpace are all a distant memory. The Cop called me today I think but I don't know about him. He seems a little clingy. I am hoping this thing with my engineer goes well, and am trying to stay busy and stay interested in others at the same time so that I don't get too serious too fast. Here are the current new-comers, we are pre-first-date on all counts.
1. The Construction Worker (Men at Work! Woo!). He said some things that make me think he has some emotional issues, like oversensitive. He likes to cook and loves children. He was sweet on the phone but I am not sure what he would be like in real life.
2. The Sports Fan/Ex-Marine (A different one). The whole USMC is trying to fuck me, you guys. Let's just get that on the table. Got an email from this guy on Friday, he seems sweet and smart, pretty cool. We had a pretty good talk this afternoon and we'll see.
Love until Later,
K
He's Just Not That Into Me?
An Update on the Engineer (Current Front Runner!)Date Number: Four
What's interesting about him is that he definitely wants for us to be more physical (hopefully I don't have to go into how I know this you pervs!) but has expressed concern that he doesn't want things to go too fast, too soon. He didn't go into a big spiel about it or anything, but was just like, "I really want to do this, but know that I'll be pissed at myself for doing this too soon." I am not sure how to take this or what it means. I mean, if he really liked me (and is attracted to me) he would definitely want to sleep with me ASAP, right? Or is it possibly because he really likes me that he's holding back and waiting, because he doesn't want to screw things up? I mean, I'm getting more comfortable with him and am glad we're taking things slowly but am not sure how to take this, if it is a good thing or not.
Dear readers, could it be that he's not totally smitten with me? (What is the MATTER with him, then?)
I am thinking that what it means is one of the three:
1. He's just not that into me (Which, okay. Whatever.)
2. He's totally and completely into me, and in a more serious way then just fuck buddies, and is working to demonstrate that.
In Case of #1 (He's just not that into me)
So I talked on the phone to this guy, T, (a new guy!) who is in his early thirties and seems very cool. He served in the military and has his own business now. He had a great sense of humor and was very laid-back and down to earth. We are going out on Thursday. He asked me a lot of tough questions but didn't put me on the spot. I think we could be a good match, possibly, but you can never know until you really meet someone. He is really good looking in pictures, and even though he obviously thinks I am cute (from my pictures and whatever), exceptionally handsome men make me nervous! I know that men like him especially are looking for brains and beauty, and I'm working on the brains and I am working on the beauty! Woo!
Coming Up?
On the horizon there are two guys I am emailing with. One is a construction worker in the suburbs (who plays guitar! Woo!) and the other I am not sure what he does but I know it is something corporate. Both are early thirties. We'll see if they give me their number or ask for mine. I'll keep you posted.
Soon-to-be-Voted-off-the-Island
1. The nerdy jewboy that I met up with at the bar the other night. He hasn't called or emailed or anything. He's kind of awkward anyway. Oh, ffs.
2. S, the semi-cute blond one who I saw Borat with. He is just socially retarded.
Both of them, just not that into me I guess. But guess what? I'm just not that into them EITHER! So there!
Mail Box Stakeout
Today might be the day I get my first decision letter from the schools. Everyone hold your breath, okay?
Love until Later.
Seriously, you guys, comment and advise about situation one. Email with any questions.
K
Total Request Live
So I've gotten a request to give a recap of ALL of my dates so far.Here's the format: Name (initial), Job, Where did we meet, details.
1st date: J, attorney, wine bar, gentlemanly but boring. Dressed kind of like Dilbert.
2nd date: R, cop, signature room, funny but not at all like his pictures. Did bring me yellow roses though.
3rd date: B, firefighter, downtown places, see other posts. He did get a second date, but that was all.
4th date: C, nerdy engineer, sports bar, sweet but cautious. Still dating. Current front runner. I totally like him.
5th date: C, cop, coffee, cool but not like his profile. Over-philosophizes things. Unsure where to go with this one.
6th date: S, finance, sports bar, rambles on and on about all kinds of weird stuff. Interesting sense of humor. Not certain that he's attracted to me. On our second date, we went to see the Borat movie. He called me on Monday (left a short message) and then sent me an email today letting me know that he had called me. I think he's a little socially retarded but we'll see.
7th date: J, computer engineer, sports bar, jewish and nerdy. Fairly smart and interesting, but much skinnier and nerdier in real life. Totally well-moneyed but trying to play like he's not. He was incredibly nervous the entire date with me and seemed kind of intimidated. If he was more confident, maybe. We'll see what he does.
So I've been out with SEVEN different guys since I started doing Match. I really like the nerdy engineer and am supposed to be going out with him tomorrow. I hope things progress well with him but am hedging my bets and continuing to contact more guys. I also think this will help me to not seem over-interested in him and to be busy with other things. I should not let him see that I am willing to completely re-arrange some of my schedule so that I can spend time with him. He is the kind of guy that makes me want to do that though, and I need to take it slow and make sure he is the kind of guy that deserves that kind of consideration from me.
love until later,
K
I don't have to sleep to dream
So I know the posts have been prolific in the last few days. I anticipate this is going to be the case for awhile, as I have a lot of things going on around here. If you have made it through the last three posts, you are so patient. Love it!#1. Online Dating
Okay, so this online dating thing is kind of confusing. Hell, this whole "dating" thing is kind of confusing. I guess in an ideal world I could have a man that I totally adore at my beck-and-call. I would make it worth his while, mind you...
I do know that this is unrealistic and to find someone who wants to be with me and know me deeply, emotionally, passionately is rare and is something that I may not ever find.
#2. My Ex
We don't have the romantic love to continue any sort of relationship. I can look at him and see how I thought he was attractive, and will agree that he is an attractive man, but don't want to go back to living the life we were living. Even though being in my apartment is sometimes lonely, being with him so that I'll NOT be lonely is the wrong thing to do. And he's too skinny. And too stubborn.
#3. On filling my time
Sometimes I catch myself doing things because I am lonely or not sure what to do, like calling random friends, perusing match, re-reading blogs, etc. Whenever I realize that my motivation is loneliness-related, I take a step back and think about that. I should be calling friends because I want to talk to that person. I should be looking on match because I want to date someone interesting. I should be reading blogs so that I can get to know you all better. It is okay to be momentarily motivated by loneliness, but only momentarily. Understanding this fact doesn't make me not feel like being: "WHY HASN'T ANYONE EMAILED ME?? WHY!? WHY!" and then refresh Gmail like a crazy person because perhaps the reason why is that Gmail just isn't SHOWING my new email from whoever.
#4. More about boys
I guess I just want someone amazing to be totally smitten with me. To think I'm adorable, totally irresistable, completely lovely. To want to be with me all of the time (even though that is so not possible, haha). To remind me to pack my pj's because there is no way he's going to let me go home after we go out together. To be patient with the fact that I like to ramble on about all kinds of things, because I'm happy or sad or excited or figuring something out verbally. To be proud that I'm a girly girl who will wear skirts and dresses even if it's cold, and to enjoy the fact that I'm wearing cute panties underneath. Someone who doesn't mind that I am feminine and want to be taken care of in an emotional sense. Someone who's going to kiss me for no reason.
#5. Chocolate Ice Cream
I'd like some. Haha. I seriously have PMS, everyone. Maybe this is why I have so many "feelings" lately!
#6. OMFG---the engineer is calling!
Gotta run...
And Another Thing
Okay. So I'm taking stock of this whole dating situation, once again.I have PMS, so this possibly explains my inner turmoil and need to "work" through this by typing it out.
So. Who am I most interested in (that's available) RIGHT NOW?
Definitely the nerdy engineer. He's got brains, a job, is going to school, is sexy as hell and is a ton of fun. Because I like him I am working on being as COOL as possible about this. I need to let him take the lead, and he did. I got an email from him today (WOO! YEAH! HELL YEAH!) just telling me about his day and saying hi. So that is a GOOD SIGN! I wrote him back a short email thanking him for breakfast and wishing him luck on an upcoming examination. The email wasn't flirty or whatever, it was just nice. I mean, it was forward enough for me to SLEEP OVER AT HIS HOUSE! Haha.
Surprisingly, the date with Mr. Office Space was hot and cold. He's cute and occasionally funny, but has a tendency to ramble. He only lives a few buildings over and asked if he could come over and hang out later and I said, "why not" because I think he might be different in a more low-pressure type situation.
These two are my top contenders.
The current dark-horse is the cop that I had coffee with today, he seems nice but over-philosophizes things. I am willing to have dinner with him to see if I can deal with his general vibe and attitude.
The following have been AXED:
The firefighter---cool but unsophisticated. Hopelessly unrefined. Arrogant. DONE.
Others from Match---the profile is down and out for now, since I have two good contenders and am feeling out #3.
I am having a good time with this and it is nice to be figuring out what I like and what I'm interested in, and what I am NOT. I am also discovering that I am having an easier time finding men that I'm attracted to, so sexual compatibility may not be issue for me that I thought it would be. Mental/emotional compatibility is going to be the hard one and that will wrap around to sexual compatibility again.
I'm going to throw some laundry in and try not to think too much about how I'd like to be seeing the nerdy engineer again tonight. Something about him feels good--but I felt that way initially about the firefighter too, and he turned out to be a dud. So I'm proceeding with caution instead of abandon, which...yeah, that's better.
Love until Later,
K
Talk Nerdy to Me
if music is the universal languagethink of me as one whole note
if science has the most perfect language
just think of me as MC squared
since mathematics can speak to the infinite
picture me as 1 to the first power
what i mean is one day
i'm gonna grab your love
and you'll be satisfied
(Nikki Giovanni, Communication)
So here's the update on the engineer. I picked this poem this morning because last night I was having talks with him about MATH and SCIENCE stuff. Haha! Dig it. Dig that he's smart. He has a pretty nice apartment, hardwood floors, typical bachelor-type pad...his heater doesn't work super great though, and it was kinda cold last night so we ended up under some blankets on his couch to watch a movie.
Gentle readers, before you start conjuring images of the downtown girl getting freaky on the couch, let me assure you that this guy was being a gentleman, and my body language was definitely hesitant. Also, we were watching a funny movie so that kept things lighthearted as well. I could tell he didn't WANT to behave, but he was doing a good job, and it always feels good to be treated like a lady, ya know?
So, it got late and he invited me to stay, promising that we'd just hang out and that it would be nice for us to get to continue cuddling. I wasn't going to dispute that, and decided to stay. We spent a lot of time awake, alternating telling stories and listening to one another. Occasionally he'd interrupt me to gently kiss my lower lip, my nose or my forehead and I'd giggle.
We definitely have some good chemistry going, but are being fairly cautious on both sides. I knew better than to tease or provoke him, too, because right then was NOT the time to test how much teasing he could handle before he would totally tackle me. This instinct was correct--This morning he kissed me from the base of my neck to the small of my back, tracing my spine with his lips, and then announced that he was amazed at his own willpower. I like the attention from him but am not sure I'm all the way comfortable with him. But I'm trying.
We laid in bed for a long while this morning, stretching and waking up slowly, being lazy together. He brightened considerably at one point, mentioning that there was a cool little local place around the corner that makes the best omelets. And so we went, and he was right-the place was homey and rustic, the food was delicious and I felt glad that I had a date where we actually got breakfast together the next day.
Everyone cross your fingers that he gives me a call in the next few days. I think he's got some potential.
What's on the plate for today? Well---definitely one, possibly two dates. I'm going to go hop in the shower, blow dry my hair, and get ready to go see an afternoon showing of the Borat movie (Hawkins, I'm going to see it with you, too, don't cry) with #4 Office Space and then am supposed to meet up later with someone new.
#5 The Cop
He's funny on the phone and seems like a real laid-back guy. I'm a bit leery of cops though b/c I think they can be a little psycho sometimes.
So where are we in this mess of 5?
Well. I think I'm going to have to vote the Firefighter off the island. He's going to be bummed because I did tell him that I "really like" him, (and I did) but I don't think that is going to cut it. I think the two of us are really, really different and that he is not going to give me what I want/need in a relationship. (Hence, no poon.) I am supposed to talk to him or see him tomorrow and I think I'm just going to avoid him, maybe call him in a few days and tell him it's not working out. How do people normally handle this?
So, here are the guys, in order of preference:
1. The Nerdy Engineer (Call me! Call me!)
2. Mr. Office Space (We'll see, you may be getting voted off the island soon, too!)
3. The Cop (In last place b/c we still need to go on a date)
Who's getting the boot?
1. The Firefighter. (Over it!)
I know, it's all so shallow.
Love until later,
K
Prescription: Drama
Okay. So I'm going to introduce to you all my FOUR major love interests in my life, so you'll know who they are (Not really in order of preference, mind you...)#1: Mr. Unavailable (Thirties)
I guess it is fitting that this guy gets top billing, because he holds the real trump card over the others--if at some point he WAS available (and I hate to admit this) I would completely drop whoever it was that I was seeing to be with him. You can all slap me on the wrists whenever you feel like it, but it is the honest-to-goodness truth. Because he's not available (see, not just a cute name...) I have to pursue other options, which, fine.
#2: The Firefighter (Mid-Twenties)
Things are a little off with him. I don't know, I feel like he and I have great chemistry but otherwise not a whole lot else. We are really, really different people. He is going to be REALLY laid back, the kind of man who doesn't really take me out to nice dinners or whatever...fancy is not really his style. Frankly I think I am still sort of entranced by nice things and by the whole romance thing so I am not sure if he's the guy for me. He knows that I really like him, and whatever, and I (kind of) agreed not to see other people, but he's waffling about things and not really making time for me, so...I'm going to do what I want. And that is possibly not him if he doesn't want to make me a priority.
#3: The Nerdy Engineer (Turning 30 soon!)
This guy got divorced a while ago. He got a raw deal from his ex-wife, from the sounds of it. He's sexy, shy and sweet. What is nice about him is that he really seems to understand this whole what-its-like-to-be-divorced thing and we had a good repertoire together--laughing, telling nerdy jokes, talking about science. He and I have a lot in common and I know he'd be a very traditional boyfriend albeit a bit quirky and nerdy. In a few ways he reminds me of #1 but slightly more shy. After a drink on Wednesday, he sent me an email to say that he had a really good time and wanted to see me again, maybe even tonight or tomorrow. He's definitely someone that I would enjoy getting to know better.
#4: Mr. Office Space (Late Twenties)
Mr. Office Space is the dark horse of the group. He's quirky but cool. He talked a little about how he's adopted when I asked him about his family. I sort of have a soft spot for him because of that. I am not sure that I'm attracted to him, though. He made a few comments when we were out for a drink that made him seem like a total cheapskate. He did tip the waiter appropriately, though.
For Kate
xoxo,
Maddie
