Welcome to the Break Point
Sunday, August 19, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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He's been applying for all sorts of jobs, and the one that is moving forward the fastest is the one that would take him out of state, out of my immediate day-to-day life. He's got other prospects, of course, but there is a remote possibility he'll leave the town he calls home, where his family lives, to go do something else. Somewhere else. Somewhere not here.
My Position (*When I am not hyperventilating, of course)
I can't deal with a relationship that's long-distance; not with the pressure of medical school, and also because I understand love in a physical sense as well as a verbal sense.
If he's leaving, I need to know NOW so that I can get out of this relationship with him, stop spending my weekend mornings with him, stop building this relationship with him where I am picturing that potentially it would go somewhere. I don't like that I can't be more flexible, but I'm looking to build a serious relationship with someone, and that takes time. I can't lose 1-2 years in my mid 20's not having experiences with someone...because they are not around.
Basically, I confronted him with the above (albeit tearfully at points), letting him know that:
- I wasn't criticizing him for looking at jobs, and am very supportive of the fact and recognize that he wants to find a stable career choice
- I want him to do what he is going to do (b/c people do what they want eventually ANYWAY), and want to know what his thinking is, whatever that is, so I can understand his position better
- If his move is that he's moving somewhere else, that affects me directly b/c I can't deal with some long-distance stuff while I'm in school.
Indirectly, I think he also got the following messages:
- That he is extremely important to me, that he's a huge part of my life
- That even though I look strong, being abandoned is possibly the worst thing ever for me, someone leaving or going unexpectedly
We ended up going out to dinner after our talk, having a good evening, great morning, and breakfast together, too. We might get together tomorrow after my FIRST EVER MEDICAL SCHOOL TEST and he said "definitely" to hanging out next weekend, which is my White Coat Ceremony.
The Bottom Line
I am at that horrible place where I get to watch to see if at this point, if our lives are going to continue to converge. I've drawn my line, which is that I need someone who is HERE. If he's not going to be here, I can't play this. It is too hard for me. A good friend of mine said that this isn't an abandonment issue on my part ('cause I'm adopted), but rather something adults have to face from time to time.
So I get to hang in the balance and wonder if things are going to work out, if what he really wants is to be somewhere else, starting a new life and career. I understand what it is like to want to go places and start a new life. I understand he needs to have a career that he enjoys.
Questions for Thought
I know that if things don't work out, and he moves away, that I will be able to move on eventually. That I'll find someone to be with who will be happy to be with me. But I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT, to acknowledge that I might be losing R so soon. As long as he lives here, there is no reason why we can't be together as long as problems don't crop up, etc. I can even understand a regular breakup in time. But to have a perfectly good relationship (with lots of potential in my opinion) bite the big one because of a career choice? Seems like a waste. Seems like a heartbreak on both sides that doesn't need to happen.
I guess I get to see where we really stand, where I fit into this vision of his life, if at all, in the future. It is completely possible that I am the "Right Girl" arriving at the "Wrong Time." And that would be just my luck. UGH! I guess it is better for me to find that out now if it's the case, and be "Right on time" for a man that is going to put me first.
My personal prayer:
God-I'm frightened and heartbroken over the prospect of this relationship with R ending. I'm NOT ready to let go of his love in my life yet. I'm not ready to give it up. What I AM ready for is for you to handle this situation, because you know my heart, because you've known me my whole life and even before then. Whatever the outcome is, I trust that you have a man for me and I promise that I will do my best to be good-hearted and worthy of that man so I will get another chance to be someone's wife someday. Please show me how to be strong. Amen.
