The Slick Adventures of Downtown Girl

My House or Yours?

Monday, August 13, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Note to Readers
I have decided that it is important for me to really think about what my motivations are for doing certain things, or making certain decisions. This is in part due to a question asked to us recently at school: "Who am I becoming by my actions?"

Don't get all up in arms and send me an email asking if any of these situations have happened to me...they haven't, which is precisely why I am exploring possible courses to take and what the outcomes may be.

On Living Together, and Autonomy
As most of you know, (or if you visit the archives!), I'm divorced. I didn't live with my ex-husband before we got married. Living with him would have facilitated my understanding that we weren't going to work out MORE QUICKLY, but our fate would still be the same--apart. For me, living together and marriage are related, but I want to make sure that I am understanding how. Let's talk about it.

Autonomy-Benefits
One of the nice things about living on your own is that you get to have a whole place that is uniquely yours, where your things live in a (hopefully) secure space. You decide where things go, when things get cleaned/organized (or not), what you're going to eat out of the fridge, etc. You can have down times and quiet moments that no other person is able to witness because you're in your own place. Breathing room. Your way, the only way, all the time.

Autonomy-Drawbacks
It can get lonely, you can feel isolated. All day-to-day responsibilities are solely yours. Depending on how many people you have around who you can call in for help, you are generally on your own. No input from someone else on decorating, improvements or organization (if you value that sort of thing, and I do.)

Moving in?
Obviously if you are going to give up the benefits of Autonomy, of having "my own place", living together should bring it's own benefits that equal or outweigh living alone.
But here is where it gets tricky. Living together brings the amalgamation of two people's personal lives, the messes of our daily lives under one roof. What's love got to do with it?

My Standard for Moving In Together
Moving in together, in my opinion, should be considered if and ONLY if:
1. It is NOT a "litmus test" for "should we get married?"
There are always going to be issues in living with ANYONE, day to day. There are problems inherent in running a household. Married people, in principle, get the protection from the covenant that they have made to each other that even though things get rough in day-to-day life, that those "bumps" don't jeapordize their relationship. People simply "living together" do not--more problems can arize and the two people don't really have a promise to each other to "see it through."

2. The motivation involves the following things:
a. Being able to spend more time together (to increase communication as well as emotional and sexual closeness)
b. Being able to work together on day-to-day life issues (as a team instead of individually)
c. To help one another out and begin to practice supporting the other in a more realistic sense
d. Financial benefit from the synergy of a household

I think those are pretty self-explanatory.

3. The understanding that the relationship will move to marriage in time (and explore each other's definitions of marriage) is implicit and unwaivering. This can mean engaged or not, depending on the relationship between the two. Engaged is definitely better though.

I don't think that people need to move in together to decide if they would be good married or not. Over time, you can tell if you should marry someone or not. I have decided that the best compatibility factor for marriage has to do with how closely the two people's understanding of what the covenant of marriage is. If both people have the same ideas (or similar) about what it means to be married and why someone would get married (as opposed to just live together or whatever), and they are willing to commit to that standard and that relationship, they will probably be fine. I say "probably" because there are most likely multiple factors at play--but I know that both people being on the same page is a huge one.