Study Time & Other Schedule Snafus
Tuesday, August 28, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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Being in school has kind of messed up my flexibility. Let me explain.
I am an extremely adept logistical and organizational planner, so, normally I am able to effortlessly juggle many commitments during the day, see many people, and have every object, change of wardrobe and even my car keys with me. Prepared. Perfect. This comes from being type A personality, I think.
Medical school is the ginormous wrench in these works. This educational process is suddenly all of my commitments, all of my "stuff" that I have to shlep along with me and in all of my thoughts night and day.
What does this have to do with anything?
Naturally, I have become a little terrified that my relationships with friends from before medical school will begin to strain when I can no longer "do my part" or even do MORE than my part to accommodate their schedules/needs/locations. Plain and simple, people are going to have to accommodate me. If I can do my part, I always, always do. But most of the time? Hands tied.
Most of my close friends have adjusted beautifully, checking in on me via phone and email and "snapping" me into the real world just when I need it. After 5 hours in the library analyzing brain-numbing histology pictures and biochemistry diagrams, I am not even sure WHAT DAY IT IS but then I listen to a voice message from a friend and suddenly feel HUMAN again.
Big Girls Don't Cry
However, R and I came to a head on this issue last night when he was supposed to come stay over here, and legit things came up for him (big work things and a family thing). It was late when he finished, and he chose to not come over after that.
What could have become a COMPLETE nightmare turned into something great--me expressing that I was afraid that now that I can't accommodate him more easily (now that I'm in school), that he isn't willing to go out of his way for me (not just him, others too), and that part of why I was upset was because him showing up looked like proof positive to disappointed little me that I'm not worth going out of the way for.
He was apologetic and obviously disappointed/frustrated about the situation. Normally, he's someone who doesn't want to be on the phone for very long but we spent 90 minutes talking to each other calmly, comforting the other and explaining our feelings and expectations. He realizes he has to figure more logistical/planning things out for us (instead of me doing it automatically like I have been). I need to trust him (and others) to love me and to pick up the "slack" inherent in people hanging out. Other people can worry about the details sometimes, too.
Love, Always
He said how much he loved me a few times and at one point said that there isn't anyone else that he'd rather be working through things with. Today, I got some sweet text messages from him even though he's on his 24-hour shift. I am so excited when we are able to move forward together through things--makes me feel like we are becoming a better team everyday. I love him dearly but am sort of proceeding with a bit of caution given the job situation. However, after some of the things he said on the phone (and the WAY he said them), my instincts tell me that he wouldn't leave me for a job somewhere else. (I realize that those instincts could be wrong, but...)
Hopefully I'll see him tomorrow night--I am DYING to see him. He's going to come out here to stay (if I get done with teaching & tutoring at a reasonable hour...) so I can just meet him at my house after my "marathon" of a Wednesday. Even though he starts his Thursday in the wee hours of the morning (his next 24-hour shift) he is going to come and stay here in the middle of the week. Woo.
I'm finding that being totally honest with people about my fears and expectations is not getting easier but I understand the value of being transparent with those who deserve it. If I had chosen to not do that, he would have thought I was trying to guilt trip him into coming over (which I wasn't) or worse. And, I would have felt like he wasn't willing to make time for me or that our time isn't important to him. But, we talked it out, and got to understand the other person and their approach to not only life, but our love a little bit more.
Life, and our love story, goes on.
xoxo until later,
Kate
PS: I'm sort of caught up on studies. No more code red. I do think nerdy jokes are even funnier, though. I am becoming EVEN NERDIER than before. I'm just sayin'.
