Things You Can Tell Just By Looking At Her
Wednesday, January 31, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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Hi, Parking Garage Guy. Or sometimes Chick. You don't know me, but there are things you know about me.
Like, how many times I leave our private residential parking structure at 9:30 at night on a Monday to head out to my boyfriend's house. Or how many times, when I was just first dating R, that he would show up in his big, blue truck and stay all night. I know what you were thinking. And what you were thinking was right.
The Doorman
Hi, Front Desk Guy. Or sometimes Chick. You don't know me, but there are things you know about me. Weird, right?
You see that I'm leaving somewhere with a gym bag in, let's see, um--snow jacket, hat, boots and pajama bottoms. PJ bottoms? Or that time I left here in boots and a long, pink jacket? I was moving quickly because I was only wearing a corset top and a thong under that jacket. I bet you could have guessed if you coordinated with Package Room Guy, he handed me the soft, squishy envelope from Victoria's Secret that had the goods in it. But anyway.
You get to call me when someone's in the lobby for me.
Oh, R's here? Send him up. And then you see that he and I come down around 9 am in our gym clothes for coffee and a walk by the lake, me with my hair in a bouncy ponytail, feeling sporty in my crosstrainers, he in his big jacket and (you can't see it!) but his Marine Corps shirt underneath. We return a few hours later, holding hands, holding coffee cups, laughing together. When he comes back down through the lobby, his short hair is wet and he's shaved. I would bet money that he flashes you a shy smile as he ducks into the hallway for the parking structure.
Package Room Guy
Hi, package room guy. Or sometimes Chick. You don't know me, but there are things you know about me. Strange, no?
Like that I order way too many things from Amazon.com. Or Victoria's Secret. And that when I get a "you have a package" slip, I nearly fall over myself getting in there to get it because I'm so excited I have something in the mail (besides bills). I wanted that Ninja T-shirt, okay?
Overall
You people know way too much about me~ and perhaps aren't even paying attention, but if you ARE paying attention, holy cow. You could write the book on my little dating life. Let's not even talk about what my early-dating days on Match must have looked like to you, seeing me get dolled up 4 nights a week and meet a different man in my lobby. At least those boys weren't coming back up here with me. Okay, fine. That one time. But Scott was boring as hell. Like he was going to make a move.
Kate OUT!
Classified Information
Saturday, January 27, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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I believe that whether you're conscious of it or not, girls, there is a secret "bonus" list of things that you give inordinate amounts of "relationship points" for if the man you're dating does any of those things or turns out to be any of the things on the list.
This was touched on slightly in "Something about Mary" with the guy being an architect, remember? Everyone's list is different, clearly, so no man reading this should try to use my list as a guide for all girls, however, they may still be a very good idea.
Here is a partial list of the things that I will always flip for. (If R turns out to get most of these things, I just might have to keep him around indefinitely). The more things a man gets in the first year you're together, the more points you give.
- He sends flowers (to my WORK) on my birthday
- He asks me to slow dance if we're somewhere there is slow dancing. More than once. And he's good at it, or at least being very romantic and sweet.
- He plays guitar (second best: drums)
- For bonus points, he does the above in a band. That I like.
- He buys jewelry of some type for our first Christmas together, even if we've been dating for two seconds.
- And the jewelry is appropriate to my tastes and style and isn't "too much."
- He brings me orchids (the white ones with the purple petals) for no reason.
- He brings me tea roses (the miniature ones, preferably pale pink) for no reason.
- He makes sure there is Diet Coke in his fridge for me.
- He traces my spine from my neck to my hips with his lips to wake me up in the morning sometimes.
- He picks me up at the airport when I get back from trips. (Bonus: Late at night or butt-crack of dawn in the AM)
- He lingers after sex, that is, he is willing to lay there with me, our bodies hot, us panting, intertwined.
- When he holds me, he pulls me toward him, he squeezes, he breathes a happy sigh in my ear.
- He makes excellent eye contact before, during and after sex.
- He holds hands when we're walking places.
- Bonus: holds hands when we're in the car.
- Super Bonuses: holds hands when we're in bed, or on an airplane (because I'm afraid of flying).
- He goes out to get stuff when I get sick, and brings back both useful things and things to cheer me up (like popsicles).
- He thinks I'm beautiful when I'm sleeping.
- He fills our bedroom (or lights the house) solely with tiny tea candles to surprise me (we're talking, 25 or more).
- He washes my hair when we're in the shower together.
- He'd rent a chick flick movie for me at the video store and then watch it with no complaining or sarcastic comments.
- He is clearly in awe when I'm wearing sexy lingerie or a sexy nightie.
- He wants to have sex in the shower or bath. (Bonus points: Bubble Bath!)
- He doesn't think that taking me to a sporting event is something nice he's doing for ME.
- He acts grateful that he has a girlfriend that can go to sporting events and have a good time, but makes no mistake that going is MY first-choice activity.
- He thinks I'm hot in workout or gardening clothes.
- He takes me on a picnic, somewhere beachy or foresty or lawn-y, complete with picnic basket and a blanket.
- Even if he thinks Valentine's Day is stupid, he buys me a sappy card. And flowers.
- He thinks my toes are cute (they are sooooo not cute!)
- He leaves me tiny love letters in my purse, in my jewelry box, on the counter, where he knows I'd find them.
Clearly, there are times when someone does something wonderful and you never would have thought of it yourself. To that, I say bring it on.
Who else has some secret love wishes? Let's hear it.
Thank You For Loving Me
Sunday, January 21, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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Despite my irrational fit of total jealousy right before, R and I managed to have a fantastic time at the wedding! I did briefly bring up the whole 4 am thing with Amy and that I wasn't sure what to think, and he was like,
"Kate. Amy's like one of the guys to me. You have no problems when I'm with Steve or Jeff really late (and I don't!) and Amy's no different. Besides, I haven't been out with her so late ever before."
He paused and half-smiled at me.
"You don't like staying out until 4 am, sweetie." I smiled, nodding.
So I let him know that it gave me some pause and he definitely appreciated that I just told him what I was thinking---I think that is the benefit of dating a man almost 5 years my senior--he's smart/mature enough to understand that if he can react calmly and sweetly when I raise a small objection, that things won't build up with me, because I am the kind of girl who will just be honest instead of letting things simmer beneath the surface. When you let little things simmer, sometimes they become HUGE things because the paranoia and nervousness comes. Anyway. The wedding.
He got to see a bunch of his friends he hadn't seen in a while (especially since his move), and was so cute and proud when he would introduce me to people:
"This is my girlfriend, Kate."
"Steve, I'd really like you to meet my girlfriend, Kate."
"Hey Jeff, come over here, so you can meet my girlfriend, Kate."
And you know what? Just like with his other friends, all of them KNEW who I was. They asked me pointed questions that they wouldn't have had ammo for unless he had given them some sort of heads-up. Sweet. I'm glad he's so happy about us that he's telling his friends that he's dating me and telling them little things about me. Cool.
I learned that R is a fantastic dancer which totally makes me swoon. Dancing to Bon Jovi's "Thank You For Loving Me" was probably the most intense song that we danced to all night. We danced and he sang to a few country songs (he has a great voice!) and totally serenaded me. He is so amazingly fun. And funny. And romantic.
I was ecstatic that I was with a man who would take me out on the dance floor, hold me close, look into my eyes, kiss me on the forehead gently. Mmmmm. Seriously that was my favorite part of the whole evening.
DA BEARS!
So the Bears are going to the Super Bowl. The Patriots and the Saints can totally suck it. My ex was a HUGE Patriots fan so seeing them get beaten in the 4th quarter made my f-ing day. I don't usually rejoice in things like that but I couldn't help it--the evil laughter started when the Patriots lost and persisted for like, 3 minutes. Heh.
This morning, R let me borrow one of his comfy Bears sweatshirts and one of his Bears baseball hats. Like the total lame-ass girl I am, I'm still wearing his sweatshirt and I'm laying in bed. I know, I know. But it smells like him! And his house!
Goodnight everyone. More later this week.
xo
Kate
Reality Check
Saturday, January 20, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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Okay, so R gives me a call this morning, to say hi and see what I was up to last night. Turns out him and Amy went to the concert and then hit a couple of bars, staying out until 3:30 in the AM.
I am trying very hard to be cool about this but it is extremely hard now. (Lucky for me, I have about 2 hours before he is supposed to pick me up today for this wedding.) I know that I held it together pretty good on the phone. I didn't mind the concert (especially since I went to the one she was supposed to go to!), but he went out drinking with her until 3:30 AM?
I know they are buddies and I know I'm being a bit irrational but I'm quickly sinking into the "If-you-really-loved-me-you-wouldn't-be-out-at-bars-until-3-in-the-morning-with-other-girls" mode of thinking.
(Inner monologue: Jebus. Why is it so hard for me to be COOL? For just once, to be COOL? Damn!)
I am not trying to be a prude or anything
....or maybe I'm no fun because I don't think staying out half the night drinking is cool but ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH! I just don't get it. (And I sound like a pirate. Sonofabitch.)
Maybe this is the reality check I needed with him and with where this relationship is. It's early. We're so early into this. I feel like someone just threw a whole bucket of ice water all over me.
Ooooo and now I'm feeling the claws come out. The irrational-I-want-to-kill-that-girl-claws.
Who does she think she is, out until almost 4 am with my boyfriend? I have been so nice to her. So incredibly nice. They could have called and invited me to come out after the concert. Oh, but they didn't. They SO DIDN'T!
Okay, so I have to go put on fancy makeup and put my hair up, and slip into the gorgeous formal clothes I have for this wedding and be his perfect wedding date. OMG I'm totally bugging, you guys. Totally bugging. Big deep breaths and all that jazz. Everything is going to be fine, and even if it is not going to be fine, I know that I am going to be fine.
Kate OUT.
I'll Stay Up With You All Night
How to Save a Life
You guys out there? My friends out there in reader land, just know that part of the function for this blog is so that I can get out my insecurities about dating, so I can get out my fears about living here by myself, so I can work through what it means to be 25 and single again and starting out in medical school in like, 2 minutes. (EEEP!)
For example, because I wrote the post, "Emotional Time Clocking," I was able to keep myself from leaving R another message while I was waiting, and then when he called the next day, I was calm, centered and sweet instead of being like: "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?! ARRRR!!!!"
Welcome to my outlet. Remember that the title to this blog is tongue-in-cheek, I don't think very many things I do are "slick."
"Just Friends"
So, more about Amy. He knows Amy because she used to date one of his best friends. I've met her a few times and she and I get along well. She is a pretty nice girl, but she parties a little too hard and doesn't have enough direction, in my opinion. From the outset her and I have totally clicked, but I understand that fundamentally her loyalty is to R, not to me, and as much as I might trust her, she may tell him whatever it is that I tell her.
Also, about this concert situation, a while back:
R: "Let's get more tickets. I'll get a ticket for you and for whoever Amy's dating and we can go on a double date."
K: "No...this was supposed to be a hangout for you and Amy. You guys should go."
And when he said that I know it was because he so totally does want to include me in things, but I don't need him to include me in everything.
So....I was definitely the one insisting that he still hang out with this girl friend even though he and I had started dating pretty seriously. I am not here to throw a wrinkle in his friendships with people. Before we got off of the phone last night I was like, "Have a great time! Say hi to Amy for me!" and I meant it. Today, he's supposed to pick me up around 2 for the wedding and I'm not going to call him before then, I'm going to the gym and then am going to make myself a fabulous lunch, take a hot bath, and get beautiful!
In General
I don't think it is uncommon anymore for men and women to have opposite sex friends that they hang out with (and not have "sexual relations", Monica Lewinsky!). I feel that knowing the handful of men that I've been lucky enough to be close to has taught me volumes about behaving around guys. Building a friendship or a relationship with a man is different than with another chick.
Being a Co-Ed Makes the Difference?
The background for this attitude may stem back to my college experience--I lived in a HUGE, co-ed dorm where guys and girls did all kinds of things together--played sports, studied, did laundry, went to meals, went to the beach. It was kind of impossible not to have some opposite sex friends. When I think about that whole life experiment (the dorms) it was kind of cool to get to live around men but to have my own space to retreat to with my dormmates. I recall how curious I was when I would walk down the men's hall (we had to, to get out of the building) and peek into the open doors, see them playing guitar, on the computer, reading books, sitting on bunks. Of course our names were plastered large on our doors on cardboard palm trees or some crap like that, so by the second month there, all 200 of us knew each other's names.
My college boyfriend (the first one, with his blue eyes and sandy blonde hair) didn't care who I was hanging out with and I didn't care who he was hanging out with when we weren't together. Everyone knew we were dating, just like I knew who was dating my guy friends. I knew they were hands-off, but getting to know them? That certainly wasn't out of bounds. I think this model, with a little maturity mixed in, still works for adults. Your partner is going to encounter people of the opposite sex at work, on the train to work, at the gym, at the grocery store, in the mall, at the bar, EVERYWHERE!
Loyalty
If you're loyal to someone completely, you don't allow a friendship to cross boundaries. There is no opening or space in your life for the friendship to start filling spaces in your relationship if you don't allow it to. It's okay after you've been with someone for awhile to admit that occasionally you feel a bit jealous of their opposite sex friends, perhaps 1% jealous and 99% totally fine, because it is natural to be protective of your mate. For now, I'm focusing on that rational 99%, that part that is confident and unshakable.
Choosing
The weird thing about jealousy, I've noticed, is that it is a total grab for the other person, a move to possess them entirely, a control play. You cannot "possess" another person, even if you are married to them: people are not for the "taking."
Ideally I think people make themselves as available as they can to their partners (emotionally, sexually, physically) rather than being owned (pwned?) or something to take stock of.
Switcheroo
Friday, January 19, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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Tonight R is taking his friend "Amy" to a concert. He was supposed to take her to the concert he ended up taking me to, on our first date, in November. Or whatever. Whatever, whatever, whatever. Like, I applaud him for being such a good friend to her, but I am certainly entitled to be a tad (like, 2%) jealous that she gets to go to a big event with him and I don't. He is so much fun to be places with and he and I have such a good time together.
It is probably good because he will see, by comparison, how much funner (haha....where's the grammar police!? I know that makes you crazy!) it is to do things with me.
Things Work Out The Way They Should
On the other hand, I am kind of beat tonight and have rented "The Last Kiss." I've also got three loads of laundry drying upstairs and am contemplating hot chocolate with mini-marshmallows. You know, the finer things in life.
R was here last night and it was a late night...he is soooo incredibly amazing. Perhaps he stayed over because he knew he wouldn't see me tonight. I am feeling pretty unthreatened by this whole concert-with-Amy thing. Earlier on (like, three weeks ago) I was more ruffled by it, but now I'm so much more secure in this thing with R (and am pretty tired tonight) so overall am just like, Meh.
Also, I'm going to a wedding with him, tomorrow. That he asked me to all the way back when we went to his company's holiday party. A wedding, y'all. I suppose if he was taking me to this concert and HER to the wedding as his date, I would have cause for concern. Yawn.
Guess What I Had For Dinner?
Maybe I should do a "Cooking, With Kate!" segment here on "Slick Adventures." Come to think of it, these waffles would probably be good to serve your sweetheart on Valentine's Day, and they are easy. Woo.
White Chocolate Strawberry Waffles
2 Frozen Waffles, Preferably Gluten-Free
White Chocolate Chips
Fresh Strawberry jam or jelly or fresh strawberries
Toast Waffles until crispy. Sprinkle White Chocolate Chips onto waffle, microwave 10 seconds. Spread chocolate evenly over waffle. Lick knife. Yum. Okay. Spread strawberry jam or strawberries over waffle.
You're welcome.
xoxoxo,
K
PS: Update! This...Just....In!
Okay, so as I was publishing this, guess who called? Yep, R.
I'll let you guys listen in--
(Phone Rings, I pick up)
K: Hi, Handsome!
R: Hey! I wanted to call you before I went out tonight.
K: Cool. How was your day? Did you make it to work on time?
I guess there is no doubt who the #1 girl is in this situation with his friend (as if there was anyway!) What I love about this is that he's giving comfort to me, and providing reassurance without me ever asking for it. He also told me that he's wearing the shirt I gave him to the concert! I'm loving the loyalty here.
Monday, I'm in love
Tuesday, January 16, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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I sleep in until 9.
Lazily, I decide to have Amy's Organic Gluten-Free Rice Crust Cheese Pizza for breakfast.
I preheat the oven and start to shuffle through some papers. I make my bed and put my pizza in the oven.
10:15 am. My phone is buzzing. I open it up. It's R.
(inner monologue: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!)
K: Hello?
R: Hi, sweetheart. It's me.
K: ....
R: I don't have a lot of time right now, I'm at work, but I wanted to say,
look, I'm sorry I didn't call you back yesterday.
K: It's okay--I just wanted to talk to you yesterday.
R: Can we hang out tonight?
K: Sure. Sounds good.
R: I'll call you when you get off of work.
I'm impressed that:
1. He apologized
2. He called that morning from work
All of you that told me to sit tight and wait it out were correct. A Bears victory and a few too many drinks meant he didn't even get my message until Monday morning.
This weekend is the wedding
That he invited me to this December. I got a pretty black dress at Macy's this weekend to wear since most of my dresses are...too big! Yay! It fits really cute in all of the right places. It's strappy and comes just above my knee. My favorite thing that I got (besides the dress, obviously) is a sparkly Cherry Chau headband--it has black crystals in it and is really understated but fabulous.
Emotional Time Clocking
Sunday, January 14, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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9 am: I've unloaded my dishwasher, made an action list of things for the day and am contemplating the who/what/where of watching the Bears game. I lay down on my bed and look at Glamour's February issue.
9:30-12 noon: Fast asleep on my bed. So uncharacteristic of me, but maybe I needed it!
12:30: I have two voice mail messages, both from girlfriends that I totally love. The second one has read my mind and wants me to meet her and some friends at a bar a few Red Line stops away.
1-5: I spend a great afternoon at the bar, cheering on Da Bears, drinking Miller Lite and eating a Turkey Burger. On my way home in a cab ($15! Holy Cow!) I chat with my folks who are loving and supportive (but long winded).
5:35 pm: I leave R a playful, short message being excited about the Bear's victory today, asking what he's up to, and wondering if I can come and get my leftovers from last night (we had great Italian but it was HUGE) so that I don't have to cook.
6 pm: I hop in the shower and hear my phone ring. It's a girlfriend of mine (Sweet, but not who I was hoping for. Fuck!) I call her back and we have a good, long chat, which we both needed. I totally heart her. But...inwardly, I'm starting to fume that R didn't pick up the phone when I called, especially after I watched him take like, 10 calls yesterday while we were running errands. Also, since he normally picks up all of my calls. I'm spoiled, okay?
Oh, and the inner monologue starts...
Me: He might not even be back from the game yet.
Myself: Or, his phone is in his jacket and his jacket is in his truck/house/somewhere he isn't.
I: Or, you're making excuses. Maybe he didn't want to talk to you.
Me: Shut up! Of course he would want to talk to me. Sheesh.
Myself: You guys spent yesterday together and um, a pretty hot night last night before bed. Seriously, though, maybe he just missed the call.
I: Or maybe he's hanging out with his friend (who is a girl), C. Or his guy friends. Or his family.
Me: Out of fairness, you did tell him you were hanging with other people tonight, previously.
What if he does call?
I'll keep it happy and light. I mean, I am enjoying myself and do enjoy being alone, but I wanted to talk to him tonight, if only to share the excitement that the Bears are going to keep playing football for a while longer.
40 Ounces to Freedom?
Saturday, January 13, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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I know that one of my issues with being totally drunk is that I'm not completely under my own control. At all times, I want to make sure that I am stable within myself, that I have my own balance. I feel like when I'm drinking (a lot) that I am dangerously close to off-balance.
Well, what's so bad about that? Well. I'm a happy drunk, giggling and sweet, but if something goes wrong, I won't react the way I would like to, which is calmly and in control. My normal personality is happy and thoughtful but passionate and emotional. There is nothing wrong with being emotional normally, except that when I'm overstimulated and more uninhibited, those emotions run high and my reactions to things will be abnormally large.
My other issue is that the next day, even if everything goes great and I have an awesome time, that I feel like shit. And depressed! I know I've done something wrong if I feel depressed and start having really dark thoughts, because the monologue in my head is generally cheerful and upbeat, not morose. Yuck!
I certainly don't wake up refreshed, relaxed and energized for the next day. I'm trying to focus right now on keeping my body healthy, on treating myself right. Somehow pumping myself full of alcohol and wasting a day and half seems like less than the best plan.
The final issue is that sometimes at large parties, scary things happen--if you're sober, you have a MUCH better chance of defending yourself against an attacker. Even if you're with people you know or a date or something, you are ultimately in charge of yourself.
Drinking is not a way to cope with things
So, where is the balance for me? A few drinks here and there, happy and buzzed, but not to the point where internally I'm off balance and becoming fearful that my emotions will come out when I don't want them to.
I know that one of my coping mechanisms when things are going badly (or simply not the way I wanted them to) is to internalize things, put it aside for the moment so I can stay happy and calm, so that I can not be overwhelmed. I do this at work, with family, with friends, with lovers. This is okay as long as I let things out appropriately (working out, writing it out, confronting the person) but if I haven't had a chance to cope the way I need to, I worry that my feelings and frustrations would come flying powerfully and horribly out of me.
My Fears With Others Partying
When it comes to the men I'm dating being drunk (and this has applied no matter who I was/am dating): there is a small part of me, about 6 years old, terrified that the man I'm in love with will become violent for no reason and hurt me while he's drunk. And then I obviously could never love him anymore, because that "little girl" part of me wouldn't feel protected.
That 6 year old girl is fearful like that because of the physical abuse endured by my sister's father when he was inebriated beyond belief. There was only a couple of episodes but it was enough to implant that fear in my heart for the rest of my life. Fathers, be good to your daughters. Please? Moving on.
I understand that people say/do things they wouldn't normally when they are drunk, but deep down, my 20-something voice says there is NEVER going to be a good excuse for violence, or cheating, or verbal putdowns or whatever.
Wanting to be hip and cool and fun
Obviously, Men and Women drink differently. Most men, by virtue of having 40-100 pounds on most of us women, can drink a lot more. You also have more alcohol dehydrogenase (go look it up) in your liver, so you release less unmetabolized alcohol into your bloodstreams.
Anyway. I'm working through what my issues are specifically with alcohol and partying, deciding what's okay for me and what's not.
The Problem with Equations
Tuesday, January 09, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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I am learning that this is the most complicated equation possible, even more complicated than the Schrodinger Equation (and the theoretical cat). It's a nerdy-ass physics reference for you non-scientific (aka COOL) readers.
When it comes to my life I have learned a few basic truths about
myself:
1. I become (very, in some cases) attached to the men I sleep with. And
then want them to be totally smitten with me.*
2. I have a hard time admitting #1 to myself, generally.
3. I want to be cool about sex, and aloof, but it doesn't really happen
because of #1.
I am fairly certain that guys don't start to get attached because of great sex. This frightens me.
*Where did expectation #1 come from? Well, my armchair psychologists, I'm glad you asked. It's because of my first experience with sex, with a serious boyfriend in college--we dated for a few months before our first time. He already definitely loved me before we had ever had sex, and even more so afterwards. And here's where we get this troubling sexpectation.
Not Having Sex=Rejection?
So here's the next issue. I'm thinking that a man, if he loves me, should want to have sex with me at every possible opportunity, because sex is definitely an expression of love, and lust, and passion.
What is the worst that could happen? I guess I could say no or that I didn't have time or whatever, and I understand that minor rejections can hurt, but nine times out of ten I am going to say yes if it is a man I'm in love with or am falling in love with. Because, why not? It's fun, we get to be close, and I then feel reassured about how the man feels about me.
I don't really understand this whole "I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm overwhelmed" or the "I'm not shaved yet/I have bad breath/Whatever" thing that seems to keep guys from getting it on sometimes. To me that sort of looks like, "I don't really feel like loving you today." Does anyone (guys) have any valid reasons why a regular man wouldn't initiate sex if he thought he could get it?
Me Initiating Sex=Too Forward?
I understand that I am going to have to learn to initiate sex more clearly in the future, I mean, beyond teasing or trying to get someone's attention or flirting. Because of this idea about sex equalling love combined with my personal idea about wanting the man to be the leader, asking for sex feels like asking for love, which is something I feel "above" doing.
I have an understanding that coming on to a man or being clear about wanting sex is not the exact same thing as asking for love but it kind of feels that way. I can fathom that no human man can be emotionally available enough to offer love (or sex) to me any time I could possibly need it (because life happens) but I want to think that it could be possible.
Love can be the way I understand it to be
I need to stop beating myself up for feeling like I'm needy because I need love demonstrated in a physical fashion. It is a way I clearly comprehend affection. This physical type of love was something I was missing with my ex and now is definitely demonstrating itself as a real need for me.
Thanks, Captain Obvious
Tuesday, January 02, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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Girls, let me tell you the problem with being married: You can't just "break up" with the a-hole. No, no, you have to straight-up divorce his pansy ass. Now, if you're trying to be half-way civil about the whole thing like a sane person tries to be, then people treat you like you shouldn't be divorcing, or like you need to ramp up the drama or something.
Newsflash...I don't need drama in the traditional sense, screaming fights or stories of cheating or black eyes. I have a whole box of wedding pictures that I'm never going to look at again. I have a wedding ring I'm never going to wear. These are the real quiet, trivial dramas that add up for divorced people and ring louder than the phone when the ex calls to talk about the settlement for the tenth time this month.
Having a sweet boyfriend does make it better
It doesn't hurt that he's divorced too, that I know that in his closet somewhere he has a box filled with pictures of his ex-wife and that he had to struggle through the same way.
It means we both had the unsavory experience of ending a marriage when ending a marriage was the last thing either of us ever thought we would be doing. It certainly doesn't make us immune to the problems that plague normal couples, or guarantee that we won't have problems if we keep dating, or even that we won't make the same mistakes we did before, with each other.
He's becoming a good, perhaps even a best friend
..which is a big help. There is something kind and comfortable about the two of us together, a type of honesty that comes out of being through the experience of being divorced and understanding where your faults are.
For example, I (kind of) had a fit the other night and got emotional about something I thought he had said about this girl at a bar. He patiently listened to me, understood, didn't humiliate me for being vulnerable and emotional, and then reassured me. He gave me the time I needed and listened, and talked. I then let him know that sometimes I get oversensitive and even though I know I'm being irrational, will be upset, and that he had handled it well and that I already felt better.
The next day I was apologizing about it and he was really sweet again and said that he accepts me the way I am, and that it is okay to express whatever feelings I'm feeling because he feels better knowing what is going on with me.
I feel that no matter what, I am working on new relationship skills with R that I didn't have before. Welcome to me being myself, totally myself, and looking for a man to love me anyway. If R turns out to be that guy, fine. If he doesn't, I was brave enough to step out there and be myself, strengths and weaknesses across the board, being Kate the Great (and the Not-So-Great) instead of forcing myself into the "Perfect (Fake!) Girlfriend" mold.
And now for the biggest obvious statement of all: Being your authentic self is a lot of work.
My authentic self needs a lot of work. Happy New Year everyone.
xoxo,
K
