The Problem with Equations
Tuesday, January 09, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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I am learning that this is the most complicated equation possible, even more complicated than the Schrodinger Equation (and the theoretical cat). It's a nerdy-ass physics reference for you non-scientific (aka COOL) readers.
When it comes to my life I have learned a few basic truths about
myself:
1. I become (very, in some cases) attached to the men I sleep with. And
then want them to be totally smitten with me.*
2. I have a hard time admitting #1 to myself, generally.
3. I want to be cool about sex, and aloof, but it doesn't really happen
because of #1.
I am fairly certain that guys don't start to get attached because of great sex. This frightens me.
*Where did expectation #1 come from? Well, my armchair psychologists, I'm glad you asked. It's because of my first experience with sex, with a serious boyfriend in college--we dated for a few months before our first time. He already definitely loved me before we had ever had sex, and even more so afterwards. And here's where we get this troubling sexpectation.
Not Having Sex=Rejection?
So here's the next issue. I'm thinking that a man, if he loves me, should want to have sex with me at every possible opportunity, because sex is definitely an expression of love, and lust, and passion.
What is the worst that could happen? I guess I could say no or that I didn't have time or whatever, and I understand that minor rejections can hurt, but nine times out of ten I am going to say yes if it is a man I'm in love with or am falling in love with. Because, why not? It's fun, we get to be close, and I then feel reassured about how the man feels about me.
I don't really understand this whole "I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm overwhelmed" or the "I'm not shaved yet/I have bad breath/Whatever" thing that seems to keep guys from getting it on sometimes. To me that sort of looks like, "I don't really feel like loving you today." Does anyone (guys) have any valid reasons why a regular man wouldn't initiate sex if he thought he could get it?
Me Initiating Sex=Too Forward?
I understand that I am going to have to learn to initiate sex more clearly in the future, I mean, beyond teasing or trying to get someone's attention or flirting. Because of this idea about sex equalling love combined with my personal idea about wanting the man to be the leader, asking for sex feels like asking for love, which is something I feel "above" doing.
I have an understanding that coming on to a man or being clear about wanting sex is not the exact same thing as asking for love but it kind of feels that way. I can fathom that no human man can be emotionally available enough to offer love (or sex) to me any time I could possibly need it (because life happens) but I want to think that it could be possible.
Love can be the way I understand it to be
I need to stop beating myself up for feeling like I'm needy because I need love demonstrated in a physical fashion. It is a way I clearly comprehend affection. This physical type of love was something I was missing with my ex and now is definitely demonstrating itself as a real need for me.
