Thanks, Captain Obvious
Tuesday, January 02, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Getting a divorce is a pain in my fucking ass.

Girls, let me tell you the problem with being married: You can't just "break up" with the a-hole. No, no, you have to straight-up divorce his pansy ass. Now, if you're trying to be half-way civil about the whole thing like a sane person tries to be, then people treat you like you shouldn't be divorcing, or like you need to ramp up the drama or something.

Newsflash...I don't need drama in the traditional sense, screaming fights or stories of cheating or black eyes. I have a whole box of wedding pictures that I'm never going to look at again. I have a wedding ring I'm never going to wear. These are the real quiet, trivial dramas that add up for divorced people and ring louder than the phone when the ex calls to talk about the settlement for the tenth time this month.

Having a sweet boyfriend does make it better

It doesn't hurt that he's divorced too, that I know that in his closet somewhere he has a box filled with pictures of his ex-wife and that he had to struggle through the same way.

It means we both had the unsavory experience of ending a marriage when ending a marriage was the last thing either of us ever thought we would be doing. It certainly doesn't make us immune to the problems that plague normal couples, or guarantee that we won't have problems if we keep dating, or even that we won't make the same mistakes we did before, with each other.

He's becoming a good, perhaps even a best friend

..which is a big help. There is something kind and comfortable about the two of us together, a type of honesty that comes out of being through the experience of being divorced and understanding where your faults are.

For example, I (kind of) had a fit the other night and got emotional about something I thought he had said about this girl at a bar. He patiently listened to me, understood, didn't humiliate me for being vulnerable and emotional, and then reassured me. He gave me the time I needed and listened, and talked. I then let him know that sometimes I get oversensitive and even though I know I'm being irrational, will be upset, and that he had handled it well and that I already felt better.

The next day I was apologizing about it and he was really sweet again and said that he accepts me the way I am, and that it is okay to express whatever feelings I'm feeling because he feels better knowing what is going on with me.

I feel that no matter what, I am working on new relationship skills with R that I didn't have before. Welcome to me being myself, totally myself, and looking for a man to love me anyway. If R turns out to be that guy, fine. If he doesn't, I was brave enough to step out there and be myself, strengths and weaknesses across the board, being Kate the Great (and the Not-So-Great) instead of forcing myself into the "Perfect (Fake!) Girlfriend" mold.

And now for the biggest obvious statement of all: Being your authentic self is a lot of work.

My authentic self needs a lot of work. Happy New Year everyone.

xoxo,
K
 




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