40 Ounces to Freedom?
Saturday, January 13, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Fears About Me Partying: A Control Issue?

I know that one of my issues with being totally drunk is that I'm not completely under my own control. At all times, I want to make sure that I am stable within myself, that I have my own balance. I feel like when I'm drinking (a lot) that I am dangerously close to off-balance.

Well, what's so bad about that? Well. I'm a happy drunk, giggling and sweet, but if something goes wrong, I won't react the way I would like to, which is calmly and in control. My normal personality is happy and thoughtful but passionate and emotional. There is nothing wrong with being emotional normally, except that when I'm overstimulated and more uninhibited, those emotions run high and my reactions to things will be abnormally large.

My other issue is that the next day, even if everything goes great and I have an awesome time, that I feel like shit. And depressed! I know I've done something wrong if I feel depressed and start having really dark thoughts, because the monologue in my head is generally cheerful and upbeat, not morose. Yuck!

I certainly don't wake up refreshed, relaxed and energized for the next day. I'm trying to focus right now on keeping my body healthy, on treating myself right. Somehow pumping myself full of alcohol and wasting a day and half seems like less than the best plan.

The final issue is that sometimes at large parties, scary things happen--if you're sober, you have a MUCH better chance of defending yourself against an attacker. Even if you're with people you know or a date or something, you are ultimately in charge of yourself.

Drinking is not a way to cope with things

So, where is the balance for me? A few drinks here and there, happy and buzzed, but not to the point where internally I'm off balance and becoming fearful that my emotions will come out when I don't want them to.

I know that one of my coping mechanisms when things are going badly (or simply not the way I wanted them to) is to internalize things, put it aside for the moment so I can stay happy and calm, so that I can not be overwhelmed. I do this at work, with family, with friends, with lovers. This is okay as long as I let things out appropriately (working out, writing it out, confronting the person) but if I haven't had a chance to cope the way I need to, I worry that my feelings and frustrations would come flying powerfully and horribly out of me.

My Fears With Others Partying

When it comes to the men I'm dating being drunk (and this has applied no matter who I was/am dating): there is a small part of me, about 6 years old, terrified that the man I'm in love with will become violent for no reason and hurt me while he's drunk. And then I obviously could never love him anymore, because that "little girl" part of me wouldn't feel protected.

That 6 year old girl is fearful like that because of the physical abuse endured by my sister's father when he was inebriated beyond belief. There was only a couple of episodes but it was enough to implant that fear in my heart for the rest of my life. Fathers, be good to your daughters. Please? Moving on.

I understand that people say/do things they wouldn't normally when they are drunk, but deep down, my 20-something voice says there is NEVER going to be a good excuse for violence, or cheating, or verbal putdowns or whatever.

Wanting to be hip and cool and fun

Obviously, Men and Women drink differently. Most men, by virtue of having 40-100 pounds on most of us women, can drink a lot more. You also have more alcohol dehydrogenase (go look it up) in your liver, so you release less unmetabolized alcohol into your bloodstreams.

Anyway. I'm working through what my issues are specifically with alcohol and partying, deciding what's okay for me and what's not.
 




In my own little world of whatever. I'm just sayin'.

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