I'll Stay Up With You All Night
Saturday, January 20, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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You guys out there? My friends out there in reader land, just know that part of the function for this blog is so that I can get out my insecurities about dating, so I can get out my fears about living here by myself, so I can work through what it means to be 25 and single again and starting out in medical school in like, 2 minutes. (EEEP!)
For example, because I wrote the post, "Emotional Time Clocking," I was able to keep myself from leaving R another message while I was waiting, and then when he called the next day, I was calm, centered and sweet instead of being like: "WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?! ARRRR!!!!"
Welcome to my outlet. Remember that the title to this blog is tongue-in-cheek, I don't think very many things I do are "slick."
"Just Friends"
So, more about Amy. He knows Amy because she used to date one of his best friends. I've met her a few times and she and I get along well. She is a pretty nice girl, but she parties a little too hard and doesn't have enough direction, in my opinion. From the outset her and I have totally clicked, but I understand that fundamentally her loyalty is to R, not to me, and as much as I might trust her, she may tell him whatever it is that I tell her.
Also, about this concert situation, a while back:
R: "Let's get more tickets. I'll get a ticket for you and for whoever Amy's dating and we can go on a double date."
K: "No...this was supposed to be a hangout for you and Amy. You guys should go."
And when he said that I know it was because he so totally does want to include me in things, but I don't need him to include me in everything.
So....I was definitely the one insisting that he still hang out with this girl friend even though he and I had started dating pretty seriously. I am not here to throw a wrinkle in his friendships with people. Before we got off of the phone last night I was like, "Have a great time! Say hi to Amy for me!" and I meant it. Today, he's supposed to pick me up around 2 for the wedding and I'm not going to call him before then, I'm going to the gym and then am going to make myself a fabulous lunch, take a hot bath, and get beautiful!
In General
I don't think it is uncommon anymore for men and women to have opposite sex friends that they hang out with (and not have "sexual relations", Monica Lewinsky!). I feel that knowing the handful of men that I've been lucky enough to be close to has taught me volumes about behaving around guys. Building a friendship or a relationship with a man is different than with another chick.
Being a Co-Ed Makes the Difference?
The background for this attitude may stem back to my college experience--I lived in a HUGE, co-ed dorm where guys and girls did all kinds of things together--played sports, studied, did laundry, went to meals, went to the beach. It was kind of impossible not to have some opposite sex friends. When I think about that whole life experiment (the dorms) it was kind of cool to get to live around men but to have my own space to retreat to with my dormmates. I recall how curious I was when I would walk down the men's hall (we had to, to get out of the building) and peek into the open doors, see them playing guitar, on the computer, reading books, sitting on bunks. Of course our names were plastered large on our doors on cardboard palm trees or some crap like that, so by the second month there, all 200 of us knew each other's names.
My college boyfriend (the first one, with his blue eyes and sandy blonde hair) didn't care who I was hanging out with and I didn't care who he was hanging out with when we weren't together. Everyone knew we were dating, just like I knew who was dating my guy friends. I knew they were hands-off, but getting to know them? That certainly wasn't out of bounds. I think this model, with a little maturity mixed in, still works for adults. Your partner is going to encounter people of the opposite sex at work, on the train to work, at the gym, at the grocery store, in the mall, at the bar, EVERYWHERE!
Loyalty
If you're loyal to someone completely, you don't allow a friendship to cross boundaries. There is no opening or space in your life for the friendship to start filling spaces in your relationship if you don't allow it to. It's okay after you've been with someone for awhile to admit that occasionally you feel a bit jealous of their opposite sex friends, perhaps 1% jealous and 99% totally fine, because it is natural to be protective of your mate. For now, I'm focusing on that rational 99%, that part that is confident and unshakable.
Choosing
The weird thing about jealousy, I've noticed, is that it is a total grab for the other person, a move to possess them entirely, a control play. You cannot "possess" another person, even if you are married to them: people are not for the "taking."
Ideally I think people make themselves as available as they can to their partners (emotionally, sexually, physically) rather than being owned (pwned?) or something to take stock of.
