The Slick Adventures of Downtown Girl

Ready, Set, Go

Thursday, June 21, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Getting Ready
Creating file boxes with file folders with those little stick up signs announcing mundane but useful categories like: "Bills", "Bank", "School," "Paystubs." Buying blanket bags at the Container Store. Sorting out and throwing away rubbish and old purses I should never, ever carry. Stashing the Rabbit and the Kama Sutra at the bottom of some luggage and piling sweatshirts on top. Sending out change of address postcards to family and friends, making sure to put the NEW stamps on so they'll actually get delivered.

Getting Set
Coordinating friends to come and help. Scheduling moving time on the freight elevator. Packing clothes for the next few days in a suitcase so I can pack the rest of it. Finishing dishwashing the rest of my stuff so I can pack it. Throwing out the crap in the fridge. Sweeping my floors for the last time. Picking up my prescription at this downtown Walgreen's so I have a month to change my Rx location.

Go?
Okay, so I'm not quite ready to go, am still getting set.

The thought of being able to come and go brings up another thought...

Tonight I visited R for about an hour and a half after teaching. We sat on his porch and had tea and talked--it felt good to just see him face to face, to feel his arms around me and to hear him say that I smelled nice. I forgot that the lovely thing about not living together is that when I have to go (because I don't live there), that I get to see that he wants me to stay, that there is a longing for just one more kiss or one more cuddle or a few more softly spoken words. I'm so glad that we're still so happy to see each other (even late at night after a long work day) even though we've been dating for so many months already. I'm certainly not ready to curb my enthusiasm when it comes to seeing him.

The other part of me wants him to ask me to always stay, to not come and go. I am thinking there is a part of him that wants that, too, and with time we'll figure out when being together more often is right for both of us. Until then, I'm going to keep being happy and keep getting my life together and the way I'd like it.

There may not be some posts for a few days while I move this weekend. I'll let you know how the painting goes and how I'm settling in soon though. Promise.

Love until later,
K

Two Steps Forward

Tuesday, June 19, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Solving the Puzzle

Why is communicating so difficult sometimes? I know that it is worth it in the end but what is frustrating is that it feels like no matter how long we know people, we're always going to be working to understand each other.

Sometimes I am glad that I have some time to think about things before people call me because I am trying to be present in my discussions with everyone. This means I cannot just pick up my cell phone because it is ringing. If I am driving, or am with a friend, or am doing something or am simply not ready to talk, I don't pick up the phone. I can't. I just can't. If I pick up a call when I'm not ready to or not in a "good place" in my own head then I know that the conversation doesn't advance the relationship and even can start little problems that don't need to be there. And, I might resent the person for calling and needing something when I don't have anything to give. Ugh.

This is another sign that I'm learning to take care of myself and handle my own needs first, making sure that I give myself the space I need. This way I'm not always "reacting" to other people.

Weekend Update
After spending the morning with a girlfriend who helped me sort out the situation (and bought me a delicious breakfast and lunch for helping her move some things), I was ready to confront the situation with R.

He called just after he woke up from his drinking fest with his buddy (hadn't even had coffee yet!). I talked to him about what happened on Friday night, explaining how I saw things his way (and wanted him to see his friend!). Basically, that my problem was NOT that his plans were changing but that he didn't let me know SOONER that they were going to change. I mean, stuff is going to come up that both of us are going to have to do sometimes instead of going ahead with our own plans. Also, that if he's going to talk to me he needs to do that without others interrupting. He was sweet and apologetic, even multiple times letting me know that he was sorry that I was so upset about things and that he wouldn't let it happen again.

I feel like I approached it in a good way and didn't bring up old things, and wasn't sarcastic, and just let him know what I wanted him to do (which was call me at WORK or where ever I am and let me know ASAP if plans are changing). I didn't play games and he was loving and responsive. I really feel like he reacted perfectly to the situation. I am feeling confident that we are getting very good at resolving issues together. I also feel that he really wants to please me and make me happy so he is very receptive.

Later in the day

He picked me up for a great date and we had a drive (literally through a park on walking paths...oops) and then got a movie and fried chicken. I haven't had fried chicken since I was a kid so that was awesome. We spent a low-key evening in and the time connecting with him was what I needed to make the loooong week go away and to repair any little lingering hurt from the previous night.

So far, so good. The only thing I want is more time with him doing nothing. If I'm with him, by his side I am content. He is good company and I love to be happy around him.

Missing the Point

Saturday, June 16, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Sleepover, failed.

I'm rounding up on the last few nights here in downtown, and my neutral colored carpets are littered with boxes. My walls stand bare-- pictures of friends laughing are wrapped neatly in tissue paper, cards from family are stacked carefully in a shoebox instead of displayed on my counter.

I'm nostalgic and happy; sad and excited; tired yet energetic.

Against that backdrop of things, R was supposed to come over last night and hang out with me while I kept organizing. I came home from work a bit early, took a shower and got dolled up, put on cute pajamas and put in an order for delicious delivered food.

I set into organizing things and didn't worry when it turned 7:30, 8, 8:15 and he hadn't called. Sometimes he works late. I kept working and didn't worry.

8:30. He calls. His best guy friend, whom he had been having issues with (the guy is a bit of a flake) and he were clearly already hanging out. I could hear his friend loudly talking in the background on his phone and then to R directly. R apologized for not coming over to help. I wanted to scream at him IF YOU WERE REALLY SORRY YOU WOULDN'T BE DOING THIS! But I didn't. Stunned, I kept my cool. I wasn't just talking to him, I was talking to his friend too, and if I flipped out not only would it make him look bad but me too. He gave me no choice but to be cool. I let him know that I have to go, I have to deal with the food and change out of my cute pajamas and see if someone else wants to come and hang out with me.

8:45. I'm still sitting at the desk where I was working when he called, looking out the window at the skyline. Tears.

9:00. Is my mascara running? Shit. I change into some grubby clothes (an old shirt, some old boxers) and put my hair into a ponytail. God, my hair looked so beautiful, too--it is getting so long again and has the prettiest red tones to it.

9:15. The delivery guy comes with my food, and it smells wonderful, but I can't eat it. Tears.

No packing gets done. No organization takes place.

Instead, I cry on the phone to a girlfriend who assures me that:

1. R wasn't doing it to hurt my feelings, but he does need to understand that it did
2. Men are not naturally thoughtful unless they have been trained to think about things from someone else's point of view

I crawl into bed, teary and miserable, angry at myself for being upset over something like this. I understand he wanted to make amends with his friend. At the very least, he could have stepped outside or something so he could have called me in private to tell me he wasn't coming--he has a better shot at sounding like he's listening and like he's concerned if he's not standing shoulder to shoulder with his guy friends. Secondly, he could have told his friend he'd meet up with him later, and then had dinner with me here and then went out. I would have understood much easier had he done either of those things.

Maybe I'm the one Missing the Point

I have always taken it really, really hard when someone's supposed to do something with me and then they are unable to. Even if they have a good reason, it still feels like rejection and I still feel upset, lonely and unimportant. I work very hard to be organized so that I don't fall through on plans for people that I care about. Actually being there for people is what counts. It is one of the few things that I have a hard time letting go of--what I see as a small broken promise.

I know that this stems from the fact that I'm adopted and so I have abandonment and trust issues, blah blah blah, and I know that one of the reasons that I married my ex was that he was very sensitive to the fact that I needed his attention a lot (especially when I was younger).

If R wants me to trust him and be loyal to him, he needs to think of things from my point of view and handle disappointments for me with kid gloves. It is okay for things to come up, I understand that it is going to happen, but even if the reason is very good (and legit) and I would agree that he should do it, I'm still going to feel a little upset. It is a sticking point for me.

I've gotta decide if I'm going to try to get more sleep this morning or if I'm already up for the day. Yuck.

It's not PMS, It's YOU

Thursday, June 14, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

To the cab drivers who always cut me off on every main downtown street possible: you are a fucking asshole. You drive all day (you drive "professionally") and you are the absolute worst. $2.00 just to get in the cab so I can smell your BO, Mohammed? I don't think so.

It's not PMS, it's YOU.

To the callers at work who ask me simple questions that can be found on our f-ing website: you are a complete idiot. Yeah, I'd like to ask you a question, captain. How in the world did you get that high-paying job? Ohhhhhh, riiiiiight. You're USED to some pee-on assistant doing all of your thinking/reading/writing for you so you can do whatever it is that you do. Silly me. You wanted me to read the website to you; and while I'm at it, why don't I just pick up your lunch at Corner Bakery?!

It's not PMS, it's YOU

To the mounting load of laundry in my living room...I am going to deal with you sometime soon. I know I've been saying that for a week. But unlike winter clothes I have a TON of summer clothes. So, I can really hold out for a pretty good while.

That will be all.

I ALWAYS do this! (I think.)

Tuesday, June 12, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Overthinking the off days

Every three and a half weeks, when I am "pre-PMS", I get all disorganized on the inside.

Suddenly slightly insecure, I don't have the usual confidence in others that I normally do. I think that R is pissed at me (or doesn't love me as much as I thought, or that something he's doing is irritating) when he clearly isn't, he does, and he's not being irritating. I think that my co-workers who are great are being short with me. I'm sure that I look fattier in those jeans (and do they REALLY go with this top?).

Ugh.

Even I don't like to be around myself when I'm simpering. Unmotivated and forgetful, I plan and think about doing productive things but then...don't actually do them or move on to an activity before finishing the first. WHERE IS MY HEAD?

What is bad is that I want to blame it on my normal cycle of PMS and period life but I think it is just my normal cycle of being, that I'm going to spend a few days each month kind of put out and not on my A-game. Cross. Insecure. Unsure. Questioning. (God, help me.)

Upon mentioning this to one of my best friends, she was quick to comment that while I seem distracted and less organized than usual right now, that I'm not mean to others or rude or anything. She laughed and mentioned, "Kate. In the four years I've known you I don't think you've EVER said anything even close to MEAN to me, even a few times when I deserved it."

Apparently I am not a person who handles having an off day (or two, or three) well. It is good to hear that I am not a total bitch to others (even when I feel cross) and I'm sure we all have those "Am-I-Crazy?" moments in life. Those moments where we shouldn't call someone, but should just go to bed and hope tomorrow is better.

It is possible that I just need to go day by day through this month, get out of this apartment, get settled into the new apartment, and get ready for school. I also hate transitions. The stress on me due to the transition of moving my life to the suburbs (instead of "downtown") and on starting school is probably closing in on me a lot more than I had anticipated.

In other news, R is a really good cook. He has even printed out some recipes from the Food Network for the next time I come over and he cooks (steaks with Whiskey Cream sauce, yum!). He cooks and then he does ALL of the cleaning. (Back off, ladies, he's mine.) He invited me to his family's house for Father's day (at his moms' request--yay!) and is excited about coming home with me in July. He's helping me with my move and is being a great boyfriend. He wouldn't be putting so much effort in if he didn't think I was totally great.

I need to get back in my own groove, pronto.

Baked, Not Fried

Monday, June 11, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Sunburn!
If you all could see how funny my sunburn looks you would die laughing. It is mainly on my chest and shoulders, so it looks like I am wearing a squarish dickey over the top of my body. The dickey of pain. I can't believe I just typed that.

Having a sunburn has made me kind of cross. Like yesterday morning, R made me a great CD and then sat out on his porch, smoked, read the Onion and drank his coffee. I sat out there with him, crunching my toast, restless, burned and cross, wondering if he was ignoring me to read the Onion. (Answer to trivia question: He wasn't. The Onion is awesome. Shit, I would ignore me to read the Onion. The Sun-Times, no, but the Onion, yes.)

Play me a Song
Last night we did do something that reminded me of college. I laid on the couch on his porch and he had me wear the earbuds of his ipod. Relaxed, I listened as he played me some of his new favorite music and then he was like, "Oh, I'll play a song for you" which I assumed was going to be romantic and then he busts out with "I'm so Ronery" from Team America. I laughed about it and was like, THIS is the SONG you picked for ME? Are you sure?

So then he picked a sweet country song that I hadn't heard before (and am trying to figure out who it was and what song it was) and then also played me "Ticks" by Brad Paisley.

I had to drive home after that because I hadn't packed a bag, and it was kind of nice to venture out into the night and think about being with him, and wish that I was staying with him but actually go home and sleep in my own bed. At any rate it means I don't have to get woken up by his early alarm and probably needed to sleep by myself because of the sunburn.

He did made sure that we were still on for our Monday Night date (which used to be about watching Jack Bauer) and told me that I should pack a bag for tonight, and I will. Gotta get off of itunes and blogger and get to work!

xoxo
K

Fuzzy

Friday, June 08, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

I want to stay up and write in my journal or on here about how you took me to the ballgame last night and bought really good seats for us, about how you looked meanly at those guys who threw peanuts my way, about how you kept your arm protectively around me all night.

I want to write about how your sister told you that I'm the "sweetest girl ever" and that in her opinion, you should marry me (but just not right now--she needs to live at your house for now!), and how blushy and cute you looked when you relayed the story to me.

I want to sit up and organize my move more tonight, put more papers into files and decide which clothes I don't need, pour over my school orientation schedule again.

But instead, I'm exhausted. Exhausted from the work week, exhausted and fuzzy because your alarm woke me up today at 5 am and jolted me into awareness far earlier than I would have preferred. I did go back to sleep, but it's not the same. Once I get out of bed for more to pee, it is not the same. (I know, I just typed "pee.")

I'm fuzzy and it's time to let this sleepiness envelope me and cruise into tomorrow.

Love you!
K

A Goodbye to the Omniverse

Thursday, June 07, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Dear Readers (yes, all four of you and that interested-looking-tumbleweed in the corner):

Recently a long-time blogger, Omni, decided to call it quits to have more personal time. I understand that--we all need to take care of ourselves first.

I know it is kind of hilarious/ironic for a blog like this with "the lipstick pink and the boyfriend talk" to be paying homage to a thoughtful, well-written blog like hers, but I thought I'd do it anyway.

Her serious posts about karma, evil people, relationships and life in general have always been refreshing for me--something on the internet that I had to focus on and then really think about.

She doesn't have comments so this post is my comment: Omni, thank you for your intelligent, candid contributions to the blogosphere. You will be forever missed.

Love Always,
Kate

Weekender

Sunday, June 03, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Friday night:
Work stress for you. I brought over the stuff for homemade BBQ Pizza and you cheered up in pretty short order. Pirates of the Caribbean part one. Desserts with fresh fruit. You falling asleep on the couch. Us moving to your bed. Me falling asleep in your arms.

Saturday:
We're up pretty early. Moving your house around. Getting ready for your sister to move in. Sweeping your hardwood floors. You cleaned your fridge. We took the trash out. All of your family was at your sis's new place and up all three flights of stairs to yours. Your mom and I went to get key copies. Your sis and I went to get food for the BBQ. You and I left the moving crew to go to a BBQ with my friends. You played with their baby. They had great food. I was so proud to have you with me. You were sweet and loving. We were exhausted and slept amazingly soundly.

Sunday:
Coffee together on your porch, cozy on the couch that still needs to be moved into the house. Fresh cherries and conversation about God and life and everything else. Lots of kisses, not too sad to leave your place 'cause I'll see you tomorrow night. Shopping with a girlfriend in the afternoon--found a faaaaaabulous pink shoulder bag for school and some cute earrings. Ice cream and a late light dinner with another girlfriend in the evening.

NOT looking forward to packing my things to move.
NOT looking forward to WORK tomorrow.
NOT looking forward to not being able to work out for a couple weeks (mild knee injury).

That's all.