The Slick Adventures of Downtown Girl

Missing the Point

Saturday, June 16, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Sleepover, failed.

I'm rounding up on the last few nights here in downtown, and my neutral colored carpets are littered with boxes. My walls stand bare-- pictures of friends laughing are wrapped neatly in tissue paper, cards from family are stacked carefully in a shoebox instead of displayed on my counter.

I'm nostalgic and happy; sad and excited; tired yet energetic.

Against that backdrop of things, R was supposed to come over last night and hang out with me while I kept organizing. I came home from work a bit early, took a shower and got dolled up, put on cute pajamas and put in an order for delicious delivered food.

I set into organizing things and didn't worry when it turned 7:30, 8, 8:15 and he hadn't called. Sometimes he works late. I kept working and didn't worry.

8:30. He calls. His best guy friend, whom he had been having issues with (the guy is a bit of a flake) and he were clearly already hanging out. I could hear his friend loudly talking in the background on his phone and then to R directly. R apologized for not coming over to help. I wanted to scream at him IF YOU WERE REALLY SORRY YOU WOULDN'T BE DOING THIS! But I didn't. Stunned, I kept my cool. I wasn't just talking to him, I was talking to his friend too, and if I flipped out not only would it make him look bad but me too. He gave me no choice but to be cool. I let him know that I have to go, I have to deal with the food and change out of my cute pajamas and see if someone else wants to come and hang out with me.

8:45. I'm still sitting at the desk where I was working when he called, looking out the window at the skyline. Tears.

9:00. Is my mascara running? Shit. I change into some grubby clothes (an old shirt, some old boxers) and put my hair into a ponytail. God, my hair looked so beautiful, too--it is getting so long again and has the prettiest red tones to it.

9:15. The delivery guy comes with my food, and it smells wonderful, but I can't eat it. Tears.

No packing gets done. No organization takes place.

Instead, I cry on the phone to a girlfriend who assures me that:

1. R wasn't doing it to hurt my feelings, but he does need to understand that it did
2. Men are not naturally thoughtful unless they have been trained to think about things from someone else's point of view

I crawl into bed, teary and miserable, angry at myself for being upset over something like this. I understand he wanted to make amends with his friend. At the very least, he could have stepped outside or something so he could have called me in private to tell me he wasn't coming--he has a better shot at sounding like he's listening and like he's concerned if he's not standing shoulder to shoulder with his guy friends. Secondly, he could have told his friend he'd meet up with him later, and then had dinner with me here and then went out. I would have understood much easier had he done either of those things.

Maybe I'm the one Missing the Point

I have always taken it really, really hard when someone's supposed to do something with me and then they are unable to. Even if they have a good reason, it still feels like rejection and I still feel upset, lonely and unimportant. I work very hard to be organized so that I don't fall through on plans for people that I care about. Actually being there for people is what counts. It is one of the few things that I have a hard time letting go of--what I see as a small broken promise.

I know that this stems from the fact that I'm adopted and so I have abandonment and trust issues, blah blah blah, and I know that one of the reasons that I married my ex was that he was very sensitive to the fact that I needed his attention a lot (especially when I was younger).

If R wants me to trust him and be loyal to him, he needs to think of things from my point of view and handle disappointments for me with kid gloves. It is okay for things to come up, I understand that it is going to happen, but even if the reason is very good (and legit) and I would agree that he should do it, I'm still going to feel a little upset. It is a sticking point for me.

I've gotta decide if I'm going to try to get more sleep this morning or if I'm already up for the day. Yuck.