The Slick Adventures of Downtown Girl

May Turns to June

Sunday, May 27, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Weekend update, part I

Friday night I learned of the death of a good family friend. I left you a message, knowing that you might already be asleep, my voice cracking but my words clear. It was not a distress call, but rather a "If I'm sad, here's why" kind of call.

Within the hour you called me back. I talked to you about what happened and then realized that I didn't want to stay by myself. I asked you if you were going right back to bed and you said that you were but that I could come if that's what I was asking. I was. You knew.

You held me and I cried. I sighed and you slept. Waking up the next day I was with you and I know that being around the people I love is most important to me loving my life while I get to enjoy...life.

I wanna laugh
until I cry
wake up with you each day
'til the day I die

Let's go down to 'Orleans
and watch the parade
take funny pictures
eat jambalaya and drink lemonade

On Saturday, we went to a big festival together and spent the better part of the day eating delicious fried foods, corn on the cob and drinking beer. The live music was really good too. We admired the darling children and you talked about how you want some of your own. (I hear you, sweetie. First things first, right?) What I didn't share was that I am struck by the sense that we would have really beautiful children-I would hope that they would have my freckled complexion and your eyes. (And your nose! I hate my nose!) Not that I am in any way, shape, or form ready to be someone's mother but it is fun to think about it a little bit. And it is amazing that we can joke about having children together. I guess not much is off-limits with us. We continue to chart all kinds of waters. Anyway. Back on topic.

You made me try a pizza puff which is most certainly the absolute unhealthiest thing I have ever eaten. (It was delicious, though. You were right. You generally are.) Next you're going to make me eat gyros, maxwell st. polish and probably other things I have no idea even exist.

I have a garter belt from a whiskey vendor. We fell asleep on the couch to "History of the World, Part I." Sunday morning I hightailed it out of your place since your folks were coming to get you for mass. I certainly didn't want to have an awkward conversation with your mom/dad in the morning in the foyer of your building, me with my hair wet and my gym bag over one shoulder. I suppose that they probably know that I stay with you but I don't want to flaunt it. I'm prissy and am trying to be proper, clearly.

I wanna drive, till we get lost
lie in a field
staring up at the sky
while you point out the southern cross

somehow I know
without asking why
that you love me more in a minute
than anyone could in a lifetime

Life is good with Diet Sodas.
Today, I spent the better part of the day shopping with my good friend S. I found THREE fantastic pairs of shoes and a white skirt that is a real knockout. I organized my closets, bought some healthy food and am getting ready to move more close to school. Finally I got some laundry done (all the cool kids do laundry on Sun night, obviously) so I have some decent looking undies and some jeans. You have a box of diet sodas in your fridge for me and now so do I. Yeah!

Lyric credit: Amanda Marshall, Tuesday's Child.

Speed of Light

Tuesday, May 22, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Things are moving so quickly in every part of my life that I'm going to give the little updates from the various "Fronts"...also it is finally starting to warm up in Chicago which means it is TOO NICE outside to be in my apartment on my laptop.

Medical School Front
An envelope (a small one, too) arrived to let me know that I've been selected for a sizeable scholarship from a foundation in my hometown. I stood in my mailroom and cried. To be given such a generous gift, to be believed in by a group of people means so much and is a very humbling experience.

Tomorrow I get to go get blood drawn to see which vaccinations I need. I will be a human pin-cushion...I thought I was going to medical school to be on the GIVING end of the needles, not the RECEIVING end. Just kidding. (Kinda).

Apartment Front
I am able to get out of my very expensive downtown lease almost two months early to move closer to school. Woo! It will mean a little more hustle than I was expecting but is nothing that I can't handle.

I'm going to miss living right downtown but will certainly still be near Chicago. We'll see how this whole "stranded in suburbia" thing plays out. The rents are less (thank God) and they have strip malls! And parking! And IKEA! Yay.

Friend Front
Have been having a lot of fun meeting up different friends for dinner during the workweek...mostly to eat stir-fry or sushi. Yum. Am starting to think serious workout regimen will be in order very soon....

Met a few more of R's friends this weekend at his party. All of them are really good guys. Got to know R's sisters better this weekend as well.

Boyfriend Front
This past weekend we celebrated his 30th birthday in style...
Friday night was dinner and dessert...Saturday we went to a famous hot-dog stand, went bowling at the hip House of Blues and then I put together a get-together with family and friends at a favorite bar...Sunday (the actual birthday) we went to a big sports game and then went out later on (even though we were exhausted)...Monday night there was dinner and delicious pie at his parent's house.

I am reviewing the pics from the weekend and am starting to marvel at how awesome we're getting at taking pictures together. Some of them are so sweet, happy and playful rather than cut-and-paste perfect couple. Everyone who has seen some of them is like, "Wow! You guys take really awesome pictures."

This weekend we're planning to go to an Irish fest and I'm stoked about the 3-day weekend.
Love him. He loves me. We're enjoying every minute together and still wanting more. He is amazing.

More later.

xoxo
K

Beer Mecca, Weekend Plans (past & present)

Sunday, May 13, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Hello again

Dear R,

I am right in the middle of planning a totally fabulous birthday weekend for you. This involves very serious and pressing questions such as:

"Which jeans am I going to wear on Sunday?"
"When am I going to bake a cake? Do I have cake pans?"
"When is your friend going to call me back?"

You, however, are not terribly amused about your birthday, and we've had this talk a million times, but we are going to have fun, dammit. If it kills both of us.

And...it just might kill me. I am in hyperdrive working on planning out what I have to do, when I am going to do it and on and on. Baking you a real birthday cake would be a lot easier if I had actual cake pans. Oh, and all of the stuff, the flour and the eggs and the organized kitchen spices in the neat little non-existent rack that I need to bake it. And then, I think that it might actually be cheaper to BUY a cake for you, which then makes me think that maybe I should just ORDER one and then not worry about it. (Brief break from blogging while I peruse bakery sites...)

Okay. I need to relax about the cakes. Sometimes my detail-oriented self gets carried away.

Time Flies when you're having fun
I notice that I haven't posted on here since last Tuesday, and really it is because I am working so diligently at coping through work, being a good friend (in real life) and being your girlfriend.

Being your girlfriend and loving you completely is becoming a full-time job for me since we are riding in to your 30th birthday--and when I type that it sounds like complaining but it really isn't--I do so well when I have "purpose", when I have things to do and people to well, fuss over. We've been dating for nearly six months now. Sometimes that seems like a long time but when I put it in perspective it really isn't that long. I don't want to bring up the fact that we've been dating this long to you because I don't want you to get the idea that we should celebrate some fake "anniversaries" or something or that we should be incredibly self-congratulatory about the longevity (heh) of our relationship. We need to keep moving forward for as long as we can. I'm in if you are.

This weekend we had a really good, really busy time.

I feel like I'm still catching my breath, but I am that great kind of tired, the kind where you just WANT to lay around and you know that you're spent from doing FUN things with people you love. (Hell, sometimes I feel tired and I've done absolutely NOTHING. So it is an improvement to be tired about something ACTUAL.)

Friday: I helped you polish off a whole pint of Ben & Jerry's sorbet. You made delicious steak sandwiches for us for dinner. We lazily watched "Indiana Jones" on the couch. We both fell asleep--probably because it was late and we were laying so comfy and warm together.

Saturday: We headed out to Milwaukee to go on the Brewery tour at Miller. We only stopped on our way once to have lunch at Apple Holler, which was kitschy and cute. Any place that serves Apple Butter & Cornbread when you first sit down is OK with me. And Miller Time was as good as always. Like an idiot I forgot my camera so we bought a disposable camera that was affectionately called the "Beer Cam." Upon returning back to Chicago, you patiently waited while I did a quick wardrobe change and then we met up with friends for a double dinner date and "Spiderman 3."

Sunday: We slept in this morning and then went our separate ways; I to meet a girlfriend for brunch and you to head out to your parent's house. Late tonight you called me on your way back from your folk's to say hi, to talk and to confirm that we're on for tomorrow.

I am falling asleep at the keyboard so gotta turn in.

Love until later,
K
xoxo

All Crinkly

Tuesday, May 08, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

I hate the way my face feels when I've been crying

It doesn't matter if I'm 6 or 16 or 25. Apparently, my eyes are going to sting, my neck is going to ache, and the whites of my eyes slightly crimson.

I had a Lean Cuisine pizza for dinner and the garlic is still in my teeth.

My top half is in the blouse I was wearing for work and my bottom half in polka-dot boxers.

My head won't stop pounding, my alarm is too early and I'm still on the computer for who-knows-what reason.

I can't handle the work stress and the idea of pulling money from savings for the start of med-school.

I spoke cordially to my ex only to confirm that my minimal payments will be coming this summer--I'll need it for books and lab fees and ramen.

R sent me a sweet text message tonight--that he had a bad day (we knew it was going to be so, not that it makes it better) but that the note I left him (this morning, on his pillow) brightened his day. Love him. Love him with the little, tiny bit of energy I have left rustling around somewhere in there.

This too, shall pass.

Just relaxing is so underrated

Sunday, May 06, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Things I liked about myself this weekend:

1. I had a lot of "naughty" foods like a cheeseburger, a cookie, a quesadilla--and I didn't "overdo" any of them. I ate as much as I wanted (never the whole thing) and then left the rest. Ditto with alcohol--I can count the drinks I had this weekend on one hand. But I didn't feel deprived. Somehow when everything's okay and there are no "bad" foods, there is no binge eating.

2. I burned off a lot of the calories from above food by helping clean house, by walking places instead of driving and by staying on my feet.

3. I let myself take a nap when I got tired and overwhelmed on Saturday afternoon. For a whole hour. I slept AWESOME.

4. I didn't take things too personally. By things, I mean, stuff that went bad for other people that had NOTHING to do with me. I kept smiling and stayed relaxed. I didn't hurry places and I didn't worry too much.

5. I resisted the urge to call R right back after getting his sweet message tonight, in fact, I didn't call him back tonight at all. Less is more. A little bit of space brings closeness. I love the way he said he appreciated the weekend, that he said that he loves me, and that he wants to see me tomorrow for sure. It would have been nice to talk to him, but at the end of the weekend my mind is in a million places and I was still enjoying churning our experiences together through my mind, going over the things we did together. (And I know I'm going to see him tomorrow night, so I am all set in knowing what to expect.)

6. I got mom's day cards for my grandmom, my aunt and R's mom and filled them all out and got them all ready to go (with addresses and stamps and everything!). So I'll be right on time with the cards. Yay!

xoxo
K

Why Not?

Thursday, May 03, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Text Time is "Fun" Time

2:45 pm today: "My cousin invited me for blah blah tonight. Can we raincheck until tomorrow?"
-R

I didn't see this message until about 5-fucking-30, about right after when I had happily re-applied my eyeshadow, lip gloss and put a fresh coat of body butter on my legs, feet and shoulders to get ready to go see R. Hands shaking, breath caught in my throat, I pounded out the following...

5:45 today: "Okay. Have fun."
-Kate

Commence inner screaming. I don't know if it was the extra pep from the 16 oz energy drink I had just downed (I know, I know they are bad for me) but I was PISSED.

I packed an overnight bag for...this?
After how hectic work has been, how unsure I felt after leaving him that note, after BLOW DRYING MY HAIR THIS MORNING and wearing gorgeous lingerie under my work clothes, I just felt like crying. (Like I match my lingerie when no one is going to see it. Give me a break.)

I was so angry there would only be two choices (and, scarily, no inbetween) if I called him:
1. Completely flip out
2. Completely fake it
I did have the presence of mind to know that flipping out on him for changing plans was NOT the thing to do. Talk to him eventually-yes, but flip out or fake?

Phone a friend, Regis
So....instead, I cried on the phone to my best girlfriend: "I look sooooooooo beautiful and he's cancelling on me and I said it was okay because I'm an asshole and I didn't see his text until RIGHT NOW and it's SO LATE and I'm an idiot and just, just, shitballsmotherfucker!" I think I said all of that IN ONE BREATH. Probably at an octave only understood by dolphins.

And, she gave me some of my own advice after a little pep talk.

You're still learning to be flexible, to NOT take it SO personally when things come up for other people that make them have to change plans or that make them late places. You're considerate and organized and lovely. But, Kate? If you're upset and feeling put out, you need to tell him. He needs to understand that while you can switch nights for him, that you put a lot of effort into seeing him tonight and are disappointed. You need to tell HIM, not ME. When you're CALM.

I took a lot of big, deep breaths and started to get ready to hang tough.

I was able to call him when I got out to my car. I apologized that I didn't respond to him earlier--I was just super-busy at work and didn't mean to not get back to him sooner like I normally would (like, I wasn't trying to be passive-aggressive.) I let him know that it made it even harder for me because I saw it so late. I confessed sweetly that I missed him and was looking forward to tonight. That I was looking very pretty today because I knew I was going to see him, and that I'm wearing the cute summery lingerie I have--its time for the lacy whites, peaches and pastels.

Being Honest Always Works. (It sucks but it works.)
He was sympathetic and sweet, laughing that he was sorry and that I was "killing him" telling him about the underthings. He said he knew it was last minute and that's why he was "asking, not just saying that he was going." (And that sort of consideration, friends? That sort of consideration is awesome from a man, right there. That is love. I'm not his wife or his live-in girlfriend or anyone extremely "officially" serious and he ASKED me. Asked. Attaboy.)

I told him that I wanted him to go and that I had no problem with him going, but that I was disappointed because I was so excited about seeing him. He told me that he missed me and was looking forward to seeing me as well. I told him he might have to make it up to me by taking me out to eat tomorrow.

Despite the 0-to-60 emotional response, I'm in forward motion
And in retrospect? I took it as well as can be expected. I am doing better at being flexible. It is a tall order for me, and a BIG VICTORY that I called him to talk and let him know that I was all prepped to see him and changing plans at the last minute was kind-of-less-than-awesome for me. Even though I had to "bitch" a little and stand up for myself I am proud that I did. I am a person who will not take being shuffled out sitting down.

Blast from our dating past (January)--Remember how I said it was "totally okay" for him to go to that concert with Amy and then the morning after (the first wedding he took me to) I had a complete meltdown in the car with him? The meltdown is what we're trying to avoid. Even better would be not saying that I'm okay when I'm not, or saying that I'm okay but being specific.

Like tonight, instead of "Okay, Have Fun":
1. "Go ahead. I was looking forward to seeing you but want you to fit as many things in your week as possible. Have fun."
2. "Sounds fun. Too bad you're going to miss out on how cute I look today. See you tomorrow!"

Best of all would be staying really calm and skipping that part about crying on the phone to the girlfriends. I know it isn't going to always be possible. This is why God created girlfriends, Toblerones, Diet Coke and Whiskey.

Love until Later,
Kate

Love and Always, Reprise

Wednesday, May 02, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Vote Early & Often

I love how you guys all said that R would handle things well.
Nice work with the votes of confidence.

I guess the only one who's NOT confident around here sometimes is ME.

He called me tonight around 10, and left a short message, noting that he got my card and that he thought it was "very nice."

The understatement of the year

I poured my heart out onto paper and he says it is "very nice." At least he acknowledged it. Him not saying anything about it would have been bad, right? There could have been NO WAY that he didn't get it--it was on his bed. Let me tell you what leaving him that kind of love letter was---it was...

Totally brave...
Completely brazen...
Really honest...
Possibly crazy...
Kind of risky...

But I'm glad I did it. I am just trying to reciprocate his feelings for me--I know it is hard for him to say things like "I love you so much" but he did. On my voice mail. He says it sometimes when he puts me in the car, too.

When you love someone you want them to love you back.
When they love you back it is something rare. How many people out there love someone they can't have/doesn't love them/never going to be with? So if you love someone you do have and they love you, awesome. And I'm being brave enough to put it out there a little bit. (Okay, a lot brave. A lot braver than I've ever been in the past!!) But he's been putting it out there a little bit too. Right now we are kind of in the perfect relationship--we're getting close but have plenty of space. We could use more time together but are in no rush--both of us have a lot going on. He's going to be here for me and I'm going to be here for him, though. As long as both of us wants this and chooses it, it exists. Isn't that the only guarantee ANY relationship has? (I know, scary!)

It is nice to talk to him at night, plan out when I'm going to see him next and then have my WHOLE BED to myself. To not have to take a shower and shave my legs when I don't feel like it. To wear the GRANNY PANTIES that are NOT SEXY but are REALLY COMFY! (Thongs are comfy but I do like to alternate if I can...) (To seriously "let it rip" and not have to worry about someone walking into a cloud of stench. Because everyone knows hot, cool girlfriends don't fart!) Okay, back on topic.

Put it out there and then cool it, Kate!

I'm going to back off for a little while (like, after I left him that note, I didn't call him and instead waited for him to call, which was probably about 24 hours after he found that note...), which means not leaving any more love notes for awhile. I also didn't send him any cute texts today like I usually might and won't send any cute texts for the rest of the week. I don't want to bombard him with the sweet, sweet lovin' you know? I certainly don't wanna lay it on too thick.

I also feel hypersensitive to things once I share--like I worry if the gruffness in his voice is that he's impatient with me when it is most likely that he's exhausted and still needs to get his stuff together for work; or if the fact that he said that he didn't sleep well last night was because of my note, when really it was probably that he doesn't feel well or drank too much or whatever. It isn't always about me. I'm included in his life but things aren't always about and don't always include me. If I'm doing something he doesn't like he's pretty clear about it. So I need to hold off on the love notes for me, so that I can get a quick grip and not have to remind myself of stuff I already know.

xoxo
K

Confidential: Drama in an Envelope

Tuesday, May 01, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Readers:

This morning I left a note for R. On his bed. Near his pillow. (And you're thinking: Why is she freaking out about a note?)

It was more of a love letter. (Gulp!)

It was sweet and gentle and loving, actually an excerpt from a recent journal entry where I explain a few things, like how exciting it is that he says he loves me (which isn't really something I was expecting) and how I love our conversations together, and how I appreciate the way he trusts me. And I sign it "Love always." Love and Always. Love and Always.

The problem with leaving something like that is that once I locked the door to his house I couldn't undo it, you know? It was done and he's going to find it. It is on his bed in a little blue envelope.

I mean, the man did leave me a message on Sunday where he SAYS that I am the best and (get this) "I love you so much" soooooo......I guess Love and Always (in the same sentence) isn't going to freak him out. (I understand it probably took a lot of guts for him to say that to my answering machine. Yes, I've listened to it 800 times.)

But what if it does FREAK HIM OUT? That is always my fear, that if I share what's going on in my heart and in my mind (which I cannot take back) that it might be too much.

And then I think to myself, if our young love is crushed because I was sharing and being myself (and apparently me in love means that I like to leave little surprise notes, which he seems to dig) then he isn't the right man for me.

When I type that I feel better. The right man will be strong enough to read "Love and Always" in the same sentence from me. I need to share how I feel. The right man will be strong enough for me to love passionately, completely and always. Oh my GOD you guys, this whole adult love thing is kind of nuts!

I know he probably isn't home yet (he gets home late on Tuesdays) and that he knows I'm going out with a friend for dinner, so I might not even hear from him until late if at all.

What is he going to think? What is he going to say? I wish I could see his face when he opens it and his reaction, because we give real reactions when we aren't being watched by other people.

Okay. Enough worrying.

Love until later,
Kate

Only because she does good jazz hands

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I don't usually do these things, but because it's Tex I guess I will.
And it's one of those awful alphabet ones too. Oh boy.

A- Attached or Single? Attached. You all know him--R.
B- Best Friend: From the guy side of life, probably Nick, Andrew or Brian. From the girl side of life, probably Susan, Katie or Lindsay.
C- Cake or Pie: Pie.
D- Drink of Choice: Beer=Miller Lite, Mixed=Bacardi and Diet.
E- Essential Item: Estee Lauder Mascara in Black.
F- Favorite Color: Pink. Duh.
G- Gummi Bears or Worms? Gummi Bears 4 eva.
H- Hometown: Southern California.
I- Indulgence: Sleeping in Late. Buying things on Victoria's Secret Online. Ben and Jerry's.
J- January or February: January b/c of New Year's Eve, February b/c of 14th (if I have a man).
K- Kids: Not more than 4, someday. During or after residency. We'll see.
L- Life is incomplete without: Faith. Honesty. Love. Diet Coke.
M- Marriage Date: Who knows?
N- Number of Siblings: One sister
O- Oranges or Apples? Apples-but only if they are Pink Lady or Fuji. (I know, APPLE SNOB!)
P- Phobias/Fears. Not being able to have children. Falling down a flight of stairs. Being a bad MD.
Q- Favorite Quote: "To love and be loved is to feel the sun on both sides." D. Wiscott
R- Reasons to smile: A great family, some fun friends, and a fabulous boyfriend!
S- Season: Summer
T- Tag Three: A-So Midwestern, K-Not Yet a Girl, Not Yet a Wino and T-Tammy Talks Alot
U- Unknown Fact About Me: I LOVE to vaccum. Love it. Come and see how clean my carpets are.
V-Vegetarian or Not: I do love the meats. I do love the good Morningstar burgers though, too.
W- Worst Habit: I am a total chatterbox. Kind of neurotic. Perfectionist.
X – X-rays or Ultrasounds? Depends on the diagnosis. Take that Doogie Howser.
Y- Your Favorite Foods. Mashed Potatoes. Cheese. Fried Chicken. Mangoes. Chocolate Ice Cream.
Z- Zodiac: Sagittarius, in the house.