Confidential: Drama in an Envelope
Tuesday, May 01, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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This morning I left a note for R. On his bed. Near his pillow. (And you're thinking: Why is she freaking out about a note?)
It was more of a love letter. (Gulp!)
It was sweet and gentle and loving, actually an excerpt from a recent journal entry where I explain a few things, like how exciting it is that he says he loves me (which isn't really something I was expecting) and how I love our conversations together, and how I appreciate the way he trusts me. And I sign it "Love always." Love and Always. Love and Always.
The problem with leaving something like that is that once I locked the door to his house I couldn't undo it, you know? It was done and he's going to find it. It is on his bed in a little blue envelope.
I mean, the man did leave me a message on Sunday where he SAYS that I am the best and (get this) "I love you so much" soooooo......I guess Love and Always (in the same sentence) isn't going to freak him out. (I understand it probably took a lot of guts for him to say that to my answering machine. Yes, I've listened to it 800 times.)
But what if it does FREAK HIM OUT? That is always my fear, that if I share what's going on in my heart and in my mind (which I cannot take back) that it might be too much.
And then I think to myself, if our young love is crushed because I was sharing and being myself (and apparently me in love means that I like to leave little surprise notes, which he seems to dig) then he isn't the right man for me.
When I type that I feel better. The right man will be strong enough to read "Love and Always" in the same sentence from me. I need to share how I feel. The right man will be strong enough for me to love passionately, completely and always. Oh my GOD you guys, this whole adult love thing is kind of nuts!
I know he probably isn't home yet (he gets home late on Tuesdays) and that he knows I'm going out with a friend for dinner, so I might not even hear from him until late if at all.
What is he going to think? What is he going to say? I wish I could see his face when he opens it and his reaction, because we give real reactions when we aren't being watched by other people.
Okay. Enough worrying.
Love until later,
Kate
