The Slick Adventures of Downtown Girl

Writing to you again...

Tuesday, April 10, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

[Readers: I have realized sometimes the words come easier if I act like I'm talking to someone. This post is written like I'm talking to R. xoxo, K]

Time Out
Yesterday you had the day off of work. (Today you called off of work, too.) That makes two (2!) whole consecutive days that you didn't have to work. (I'd be jealous but you deserve it.) You looked guilty this morning, suspicious and smirking as you laid in bed with me on a Tuesday (generally terrible Tuesday, as dubbed by you) at 7 am. Seven AM must have been like really sleeping in for you. You were more tired than usual because of my mattress terrorism.*

Just Pack A Bag
You conceded that the way I behaved two nights ago threw you off. I confessed that I was already upset about things I couldn't verbalize; that I had to go to work on Monday morning, that I wasn't spending the night with you. I didn't want to take things out on you that weren't your fault (transference is ugly, friends) so I fled the scene.

You were relentlessly rational: "Kate, I could have waited for five minutes while you ran in and packed an overnight bag if you wanted to stay with me."

I loved you for saying that but at the same time feel like a yutz for not thinking of it myself. I need to just say what it is that I want and not be afraid of that. I'm trying to be better for you, I'm trying to step up and behave like a real adult, all of the time, not just when I feel like it or when things are going well for me. You are not a mind reader. I am stubborn, impatient, passionate, emotional, insecure and confident all at the same time. When I'm thrown off or under a lot of pressure I have a hard time balancing. It's nice to know that if I need to get my balance again, I can grab onto you.

I brought a peace offering of red bull to your house, only because I learned the hard way that Walgreen's here doesn't have beer. I would have brought beer. We spent a pretty nice evening with your friend, and even though you love spending time with him, you hinted to me in a few ways that him sticking around until late was NOT what you had in mind. I reinforced to you that I think it's awesome that you spend time with your friends, and that it is IMPORTANT because while I'm a lot of good things, I certainly can't be everything you need. You squeezed me when I said that.

Mattress Terrorist*
I also terrorized you some more last night, because after your 4:30 am alarm (that you didn't need) went off and woke me up, and I made a trip to the bathroom, I got back in bed on "your" side of the bed. The reason I did this was because "your" side of the bed was the only side I would fit on (laying very carefully on my side) because of the way you were sprawled across the mattress. You apparently did not sleep well after this (?!?!?) because me laying on that side of the bed TOTALLY THREW YOU OFF. I'm sorry!

Look at us, we are trying so hard. Really putting the work in.
Despite me totally wrecking your sleep schedule, we had a good time together last night and this morning. I was comforted by your touch, your kisses, your words. The easy way you apologized for teasing me, you didn't mean to hurt my feelings. I know you didn't mean to do that. You were trying to make me laugh and I wasn't in a place where I could laugh. The way you let me know that you were just teasing me and that you're willing to be patient with me. I respect you so much for that, for being strong enough to apologize to me and share some of the miscommunication even though it was mainly not your fault.

Today I wasn't incredibly dolled up when I left for work (I showered with your pert plus and did a perfunctory makeup job) and you told me that I looked nice. When you say something like that to me I think about it a little all day.

It's nice that you're not sick anymore. It's nice that we got some real time to connect together. A little bit of time with you really helps me to feel much better if I need your physical or verbal reassurance.