Sunday afternoon thoughts, now with EVENING!
Sunday, March 25, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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I listen to that song "At last", letting it slowly wash over me, and think about dancing with you at that wedding this January.
I want you to ask me to move in with you this summer, but I don't know what I would say. But I want you to ask.
I want to give you all of the poems I've written for you, in pretty cursive, on that fresh, white paper, tied with twine but I know I'm not brave enough to do that. (I think you'd like them but I'd feel too vulnerable after that, too open.)
I want you to think I'm perfect for you without me being "too" perfect. (I feel like an idiot worrying if I am "too" this or "too" that for you, by the way. You should like me how I am.)
I want you to text message me that you love me more often, like you did this week.
I want you to miss me when we're apart and I don't want you to know that sometimes I have to focus on not calling you and on doing other things. I am still in the side-effects of de-coupling, that world where things are always done on a team.
I know that I need to go to the grocery store, that I need to drive through the pharmacy, that I could do a load of laundry, but all I want to do is get back into bed. I'm in that weird PMS place that swings between a pseudo-depression and a pseudo contentedness without warning.
Perhaps it is good that we can't get together tonight--I don't want you to think I'm in a bunch about stuff, but a part of me wants you to see me in "a bunch" a few times and want to be my boyfriend anyway. I am horribly irrational this afternoon. Sigh.
**This just in: Evening thoughts (10 pm)
As promised, you called me to see how my day went. You have perfect timing, I had just been pulled out of my funk by a good girlfriend who recognized I was despairing and drove to downtown to have dinner with me. So, I sounded perky and sweet for you on the phone. I made our inside jokes and you laughed. I love the way you laugh when you think something's really funny or if I say something unexpected.
Cosmic Love Letters
Indeed, it is good that we didn't get together tonight as previously planned because I would have missed having my girlfriend come through for me like that. And you got to see your sister! I'm glad that in addition to seeing me this weekend, you got to see your guy-friend and your little sister. I'm amazed at how non-possessive I feel of our relationship, because younger versions of me have seen sharing a partner with others sometimes as a slight in loyalty or a sign that the guy's priorities are out of whack.
Last night, I had no problem with your friend coming and joining us because we had just had a few hours together alone on the couch. Also, I knew I was sleeping over and would have time with you in the morning, that I would wake up curled under your arm, your breath on my neck. Meeting your friends at a bar or having your best friend over on "our" date night doesn't change that you're going to give me one more kiss goodnight or that you're going to squeeze me before we fall asleep. (I can't believe how well-adjusted I'm becoming, that I can type a sentence like that, read over it and be nodding my head.) This security with having other people around us, this willingness to share our time, I'm hoping you realize on some level how valuable this is. I am growing into a more secure woman everyday. I don't know if your ex was possessive or jealous or if your friends liked being around her, but I am pretty sure your friends at least don't mind hanging out around me. (You need to meet more of my friends, by the way.)
A little bit of alone time with you goes a long way for me because we connect so quickly and so deeply with one another. You need to have YOUR other people around you that love you, too. Being around other people helps us compare and contrast what we bring to each other's life as well. I really love you today. I really do. Being around you just a little bit and being so close makes me ache when we're apart. I love how you said you'd call and then you did. You are a complete dream.
Team Kate in Full Force
Back to my friend. She must have understood how stressed I was and I loved the way she recognized my need to hang out without making me feel needy. She was simply like, "Have you eaten?" And I was like, "Nope." She was like, "Well, let's get some food then."
This week a good guy friend of mine spent a lot of time helping me with my new computer, setting up my internets and even bringing over some music that he thought I would like. For example, I have already learned that I love to nap or sleep to Finley Quaye's CD "Maverick A Strike" and that when I'm just cruising the internets I am digging Nelly Furtado's CD "Loose." I didn't realize this until now (I am saying that a lot lately!) but since I got itunes, I don't really listen to CDs straight through. I had lost the value of doing that. It is amazing to have people who are so thoughtful of me and my needs, who really try to put it out there for me. I am surrounded by people who love me.
Internal Medicine
Five days of 12 hour days is going to be really tough on me. I normally put a lot of internal pressure on myself, but throw in PMS, the sight of my boss pasty and dissheveled in a hospital bed, not seeing the bf very much and a laundry pile that's threatening to eat me alive...NO WONDER I wanted to sleep for 5 hours today. No wonder I wanted to stay at R's house, worlds away from all of these little issues.
