The Slick Adventures of Downtown Girl

Oh, Boy

Tuesday, February 27, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Because "being civil" means that we, apparently, are supposed to "communicate"

I had a few short talks with the ex recently (because there was stuff he wanted to talk about) and have been thinking about some of the things he had said to me.

1. That I'm IMPOSSIBLE to please, that if things aren't exactly how I wanted them I make it painfully clear that whatever it is sooooo does NOT meet my standards. Apparently this struck the fear of God into my ex, paralyzing him when it came to giving me gifts. So he'd just buy things for me that were actually meant "for him", like tickets to sporting events, baseball hats and playstation games. Because you all know I wanted Grand Theft Auto!

2. That he felt like I had "one foot out the door" for a long time, that I was just waiting for him to screw up some more so I could totally leave.

Okay. So, #1. I think this is kind of bullshit. I am a (generally) happy person, fundamentally amused by little things and details. My ex is not a detail-oriented person, and would often miss finer points and details of things. So being a very focused, type A person, I would get frustrated when he would get something "generally" right but then not get the details right--it felt like he wasn't paying attention. As a happy person, when I am disappointed, which I was more and more, especially towards the end, it is more apparent than in someone who isn't quite as cheery all of the time.

Okay. So, #2. This is a justification of his for his bad behavior. I am not buying this for a second. It sounds a lot like, "I'm already screwing up, so why don't I screw up more?" If I hadn't been married to him I would have been outta there so fast after the plate throwing incident he wouldn't have known what had happened.

Being married in and of itself meant something important to me--and wanting to believe in working as hard as you can at being someone's wife isn't wrong, what was wrong was the man I chose. Clearly I also have a lot of work to do on myself as well-I will concede that fact easily.

It is okay to take pride in the various roles that I find myself in during the day and am pleased that the huge burden of "Wife-to-a-total-asshole" isn't one of them. Clearly my ex is struggling through things--even though I did not choose to get a large sum of money from him, what he has lost is not something he can buy. I don't wish for him to hurt, but I don't feel bad, either--I spent way too much time making my stomach hurt and wringing my hands over "what-he-wanted" and whether he was happy and was everything going perfect for him today?

With my expanded time and energy, I am able to be a better "Friend", "Winggirl", "Neighbor", "Colleague", "Volunteer", "Daughter", "Granddaughter", "Niece", "Sister", "Catholic", "Flutist" and perhaps the one I'm having the most fun with, "Girlfriend." Yay! I haven't gotten to do this whole "Girlfriend" thing in a long time. And I'm determined to rock it. Totally rock it.

Someday I'll get to add "Doctor" and perhaps "Mother" and...hopefully, sometime down the road, even re-add "Wife" to my lineup of roles. I am confident that one day I will marry a man that will be proud to have me at his side, someone who is not threatened by the fact that I'm smart, fun, and incredibly capable. I am grateful for the big "second chance" that life has given me to shine in all areas of my life. Thanks, God. Thanks, Life. Thanks, Chance.

I just thought about deleting this post, but I think I'll keep it. Somehow I managed to turn some sour commentary from my totally self-serving ex into an affirmation of who I am and who I want to become.

Love until later,
K