Situation: Nowhere
Sunday, February 11, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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What the f*ck is the matter with my sleep schedule? Seriously! This week came around to Friday and I couldn't believe a week had passed. It literally evaporated into thin air. I know people SAY that kind of thing all of the time, but I feel like the only way I can tell that time was passing is that I cross out days on the calendar and my body feels like it got an ass-kicking seven times.
What am I stressed about, Dr. Phil?
1. My foot is broken. Argh!
2. Medical school loans. Oh, my God, I know it is an investment and all of that jazz, but holy cow it is a lot of $. Oh God, it is a lot of money.
3. It is extremely cold here in Chicago. The cold, dry weather is making me feel icky I think.
4. The fact that I can't go to the gym because of #1. I was using that for stress relief and now I can't.
5. Long work hours, feeling like I could work around the clock (haha I typed cock the first time!) and not get everything I'm supposed to do, done.
6. Doing my taxes with my ex.
7. Updating my settlement agreement with my ex.
8. Not getting our "official" divorce date in time to affect my financial aid for Medical School Loans.
9. I'm worried that being a doctor means I won't be able to have children. Or that by the time I can be in a healthy, advanced relationship for that long, that I will be too old. I know those things aren't true and that there are a ton of examples (mommd.com, holla!), and that by the time I graduate there will be even more women in medicine, but I still feel worried.
10. That I'm not making enough money at my job. I know that my bosses are paying me as much as they can, it is a new business, and they are my very, very good friends, but my income frankly kind of sucks compared to what it could be and what my skills are. The only problem is I start medical school in July and will need to leave whatever before then.
Make your own humidifier! (Or not.)
I'm thinking there is not enough humidity in my apartment, that maybe it's too dry in here, so I'm running my shower on SUPER HOT to try and put some water in the air for my poor lungs and sinuses. See how ghetto I am? I could get a humidifier from Bed, Bath or from Linens and Things but I am clearly too lazy (and my foot is clearly too broken) for me to lug that shit home. So instead, here I am, at almost FOUR AM, awake, running my shower, typing to you people.
"You're Perfect for Me."
(I know you guys were looking for this update.)
The day after we had that talk, R confessed that he didn't want to take a break, or step back anything about our relationship, that the stress he was feeling was work-related and in other areas of his life. That the time we were spending together was/is a huge plus for him. That I'm the best thing that has happened to him in a long time. And, he said that while I am not "perfect", nor does he expect me to be, I am "perfect" for him. Oh my God, when he says that stuff, how can I not be completely and totally in love with this man? And then my realistic side snaps in, that side that's afraid of being hurt.
I was and am slightly hesitant about things in a way, searching him with my eyes and my words to make sure that he is holding up his side of things and that he really wants to be here, in this relationship, making a serious effort to bring me the things that I need. All indications are showing that he does, that he just had a freak-out. And you know what? That's allowed. I think women forget that guys have a lot of emotional stuff going on too, but we are just not used to seeing it at all. (I know that in my experience with my ex and with men in general that I'm not!)
Last week we didn't see each other during the week as much as usual but did have some good phone conversations which satisfied my need to see him. I am calming down a lot in this relationship, finally. In that real-world way, the way where if he isn't paying attention to me every second, I don't seek out other men's attention because I'm upset/lonely/hedging my bets.
Last night he took me out on a date because "I hadn't taken you out on a date date in a while, and thought we should do that." Great! We went and saw some live music, I had a great burger, we curled up in bed together after and slept into Saturday afternoon. We watched a movie and drank our coffee together and he drove me home, offering me a bunch of his delicious lingering kisses in the truck and again (!) in front of my building. I can't imagine him kissing me like that, lingering, really taking his time (in public no less) and things not being okay. Us kissing like that is like when we first started dating.
Tonight, for example, he went out with friends, and I went out to dinner with friends, and he sent me a couple of text messages tonight letting me know he'll call me tomorrow and that he loves me. Perfect.
As long as I know what to expect, I am good. I am so good.
I think telling him exactly what I need (clear, frequent communication) was a really key choice. He's listening, too. Yes! I just need to keep being brave enough to let him know exactly what I need, on increasingly deeper levels (at appropriate times, obviously), so that he can know what I expect. Also, so that if he cannot give me what I need, I can recognize that as quickly as possible and will not waste my (or his) time hitting my head against the wall or wishing he (or I) was different in some way. What is interesting about human needs though is that I feel like what we need is kind of a moving target, that it is in constant flux and motion. As much as I can know myself, my needs are always going to be changing. Ugh! And now I have to try to communicate that to someone else. This is why relationships are so tough, right?
I'm going to try to get some (more) sleep. Time to turn the shower off. Goodnight, all.
xoxo,
Kate
