More of the same
Saturday, February 03, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

10:30 PM, last night: I resign myself to the thought that you're not calling. Two tylenol PM later, I am fast asleep, somewhere where this broken foot and where this heartache cannot reach me.

(How do I handle you not being here tonight or last night?)

7:20 AM, today: I wake up, prop up on my elbows just to see what time it is. I am profoundly disappointed that it is not about noon at this point.

(Is it okay to take more Tylenol PM? I think you aren't supposed to in the day.)

7:35 AM, today: I double check my phone, making sure I didn't miss you in my slumber. Before I open my phone, I prep myself: "Watch. More of the same." I'm right. I didn't miss your call, because there wasn't one.

(I'm clearly making it through here by the hour, by the minute, and the longer it goes, the easier it is getting. I am clear in my understanding that I've got to wait for you to come around when you're ready, and that I don't really want you to come over or talk to me until you've figured out what to say.)

7:45 AM, today: On my way to the bathroom on my crutches, I realize how much my back and shoulders hurt from having to haul myself around using my arms.

(The thought hits me that I've been doing fine, all by myself, for two whole days on this broken foot. Perhaps I have been a little emotionally unstable, but I have talked to a few good friends who have helped and there were a couple more that I could have called just for a chat if I had been more lonely.)

8:00 AM, today: What am I doing to do on crutches today? It is snowing. I don't have TV. I am starting to think I am kind of screwed.

(I go back and forth being strong.
Strong: I'm okay in here. I'll make a trip over to the video store and hang out with MacBook and maybe invite some friends over here later.
Weak: Fighting back tears. I can't do this. I'm going to be cooped up in here with this stupid foot, alone and lonely until I'm 30!
Strong: Stop contemplating calling R up in a flurry of tears. Begging him and him coming here because he wants to are two entirely different things.
Weak: Right now I need him to love me. (Sob)
Strong: You love yourself. You have friends that love you.

9:00 AM, today: I break down into tears. My foot is broken. Is my heart next?

I hate that when things are going well with him I feel about 25 and now that things aren't going so well I can feel my inner 16-year old crying somewhere in there. I don't understand how I can be so strong and so fragile at the same time.

10 AM, today: I decide that it's time to take a bath and wash my hair. I know that doing this will take me about an hour and a half. And then I should think about lunch.

There is a part of me still campaigning for you, that you're going to call. There is a part of me that says that you're still sleeping. I hate that I know what you are probably up to. I am doing the best that I can. I am doing the best that I can.

2 PM today: Where are you?

2:45 PM today: I'm leaving you a message to let you know that not hearing from you is hurting me---because I think if you realized what I was going through here, you wouldn't let it happen anymore.

3:15PM today: You're calling me. I'm exhausted with relief.

 




In my own little world of whatever. I'm just sayin'.

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