The Slick Adventures of Downtown Girl

random thoughts

Saturday, February 17, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

i'm driving home
watching last night's snow blow off my windshields
thinking

what is my credit score?
did i send that email for work?
how did you make my toes curl this morning?

i'm wiping my counters
watching the crumbs gather in the formica corners
wondering

how long until medical school starts?
will i make a lot of new friends?
can i crawl into bed with you tonight?

i'm walking to the grocery
noticing the sun through the overpriced condos
deciding

how much i should spend on this trip
i hate riding the bus
i'd like to spend all day in bed with you

i'm laughing over dinner with friends
spearing sushi with careful precision
pondering

how do the cut the cucumbers so small?
(they leak out through the sides)
i want you here when i'm happy

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I just felt like doing some poetry. I think it is also because I spent tonight apart from R and had a good night with my good friend S, who I shared a delicious dinner with and then saw "Music & Lyrics" with. Good food, cute movie, great company. (When I am not with him, I do some thinking about him and tend to want to express. Hence, lame poetry. Sorry, readers.)

R's playing video games with his friend tonight. Last Friday night, he was out drinking with a pal of his. I'm glad that we're spending time apart with our friends--it gives me a chance to keep building my non-romantic (*very important!) relationships and also (bonus!) demonstrates to him that my own life is crucial to my survival. This relationship with him is the first one where I have traded time with my boyfriend for time with friends, where I tell the bf that I've got plans with one of my girlfriends on Saturday, so could we hang out on Friday instead?

Also, I want him to understand that I need him to cultivate other meaningful relationships outside ours, that I cannot provide 100% of what he needs. I simply cannot understand his military experiences like his best buddy can. I cannot sit and watch sports with him the way his dad or buddies do. I certainly provide NO COMPETITION in terms of drinking him under the table--I'd need about another 50 pounds and a little more experience to boot.

Ditto that for any sort of "shoot-em-up" or "sports" video game--I'm just not going to be able to "bring it" like the boys can. Even if I could beat him at poker, violent video games, darts, or flip-cup, I don't really want to. He and his friends can duke it out at those things! While he doesn't expect me to do these things with him, he should still expect to do these things. I guess the bottom line is that I don't want to be included in everything he does. My feeling close to him is not contingent on me being up in his business all the time. It is way more important to me that he's accessible to me: when I send him a text message, that he writes back; when I leave him a message, that he calls within a reasonable time. Not that whatever he's doing, I have to be his sidekick or watch him do it or whatever. This is also a shift for me. I used to think that closeness equaled total involvement whereas now I understand that closeness is dependent on quality, select involvement and an appropriate amount of space.

What's kind of fun is to see that while my time with him is incredibly fulfilling, the contrast between the quality of our time together and our time with other people (at least for me) is growing. Time with him is ridiculously satisfying for me--we are starting to "get" each other's sense of humor (I'm being sarcastic back with him and handling his good-natured teasing better) and are getting really good at being intimate both inside and outside of the bedroom. I want to think that on some level, R is developing a sense that with me, he gets an experience he can't get anywhere else, that he slowly starts to get the feeling that I'm irreplaceable and hopefully that I'm truly perfect for him, someone he would want to keep around always. This afternoon when R dropped me off, he kissed and kissed me and wanted to make sure that we are going to hang out tomorrow. I think we're on the right path here.

Love until later,
K
xoxox