Taking the good with the bad
Thursday, March 22, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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*Or, how Kate got her groove back
Tonight I realized, that for the first time, that I am ACTUALLY okay with not having a lot to do on the weeknights. That the few hours I spend after I get home from work, before I go to bed, if they are in my apartment totally by myself, are not being simply "passed" or even "wasted" but are a good time for me.
When I dig deeper here I realize that all of my "independent" life (aka not living at home) has always involved living with someone else, a roommate, an ex-husband. Being in here by myself doesn't mean that my relationship with my boyfriend or my friends isn't great. I used to think that when other people said that they "liked" unwinding in their apartment by themselves at night, that they were lying, you know, the way people do when they say they LIKE running or that they ENJOY brussels sprouts. I thought it was because they hadn't lived with anyone else or that they were anti-social.
Moving in Phases
Initially when I moved in here I was still in a lot of shock, in that phase where you're just trying to survive, and then graduated to the "Look at me I'm on my OWN and doing fine! DO YOU HEAR ME?!? I'm FINE! Look! FINE! Would you help me convince MYSELF that I'm fine, please?"
Next came the "I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do with myself all alone in this apartment" phase, coupled with the "I know! I'll go on dates! I'll join clubs! I'll work late! All so I don't have to act like I don't have anything better to do then be HERE! So I don't feel like I'm going to be relegated to my little dark apartment for the rest of my life!"
And then, in the middle of that, I met R. And we spent a lot of time here together, which was beneficial for me when I look at it in retrospect. Being with him here and seeing how comfy he felt here actually HELPED me realize that I am okay here. It also fueled that fire, that deep-seated burn within me to have a man in the house, someone who's going to let me relax to sleep with my head on his chest, someone who's going to hold my hand in the middle of the night.
Follow the leader
Let's talk about R's example for a second. He is so strong in his place by himself, so used to being on his own, working crazy hours with no problem, making himself something to eat, going to bed, so in his own world. It is a good example for me, because if he can do it, I can do it. I have other friends who do it. And I was merely copying them all, going through the motions, until I...don't know when....I guess a few weeks ago. But what I do know, internets, is that if you give yourself about six months, you can figure out some stuff. Like that you're actually (rather than, theoretically) okay with being at home, that it isn't a "bummer" or a "let down" or no fun, that there isn't something you'd rather be doing or somewhere else you'd rather be.
Ultimately I still want to have a shared life with someone, to come home and look forward to seeing that person at the end of good days and bad, to be on a "team" where household things get done by both people, to have two capable people bringing in income and sharing the benefit together. I know that when I face that situation I will be better than I was the first time, because I've settled into being on my own. My personal comfort and well being won't be so tied into where the other person is and when they are coming home, because I'll be okay at home by myself if my man is on a business trip for a few days, working some sort of creative rotation, or simply on an opposite schedule from me.
Prince Charming May Never RSVP to my party, anyway
If a "prince charming" never asks me to be his wife, I'll be fine coming home at night and taking care of things myself. That used to be my biggest and most deep-seated fear, that I'd have to face coming in to an empty home for the rest of my life. I'm serious.
Now to be fair, I think I would be BETTER as part of a family that was my own, but if that doesn't happen for me someday, it won't be the tearful, lonely, gray life that my heart and my mind's eye were scaring me with.
I'm sure it is normal to have that early 20's "Am I going to be lonely for the rest of my life?!" situation, especially after being surrounded by people (peers, boyfriends, potential boyfriends, best friends, classmates) 24/7 in college. Getting married out of college just downsized that whole party-of-500 thing to a party-of-2. Here I am, as a party-of-1.
I still don't have to sleep to dream
Am I having fun imagining what it would be like to live with R, to feel excited about making him dinner at night and the chance to fall asleep in his arms all of the time? You bet. Am I having a hard time sleeping if I'm not with him? Nope. (Well, only if I'm on cold meds, but that doesn't really have to do with him per se...)
Do I think he might be good for me in the long term? Well. I think he's in flux right now with his jobs, his financial situation, and himself. I think that even though he clearly loves me and understands that I am a huge asset to his life, he doesn't have his feet on the ground quite yet. I know he's trying to get things back to where he's comfortable with them, and a tiny part of me hopes that I'm part of that motivation, but I 100% understand that it could be (and most likely is) all about him. And that doesn't mean anything's wrong with us or with him, or that we may not work out at some point. Hell, we're only nearly 5 months into this thing. If someday he was 150% into us being together in that serious till-death-do-us-part kind of way, I would give him some serious consideration. But am I in the right kind of place to be giving serious consideration? Probably not yet.
I'm hoping that one of his eventual goals, just like mine, is stability, which includes a home where there is a partner that makes him happy and keeps him good, peaceful company more often than not. I'm hoping that he wants to be with someone who wants to fall asleep in his arms every night, that's going to treat him well. Life is too short to not give our best to the people we love whenever we can.
Could someone pass me a magic time-travel 8-ball, please?
Would I like to look in a crystal ball and see me in about 6 years, see where I am and who I'm with and if all of that gym time paid off? Maybe. Because if someone had shown me me today, made me look into the "crystal ball of the future" back when I was in college, Senior year, when I was engaged and even more naive than right now, I would have been horrified. I wouldn't have understood the snapshots of the smiling 25-year-old driving over the Chicago River, belting out Nelly Furtado on the drive home from work in her fantastic little car (that she didn't bring to Chicago!). I would have been intrigued by R and fascinated by some of my friends here, but confused about how I got from A to Z.
Even if my 6 years from right now puts me somewhere totally predictable and planned, I don't think I actually want to know because I don't think I'd have as much fun getting there. Scratch that. I definitely wouldn't have as much fun getting there.
