The Slick Adventures of Downtown Girl

Pancakes and Diet Coke

Sunday, March 04, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Note to readers: Sorry this post is so long. Technically it should be three posts, but there was a lot of catch-up to do. xoxo, K.

Surprise! You're not home!
Yesterday I stopped by R's place to surprise him in the morning, bounced out of my car, rang his bell three times, and...no answer. F*ck! I left him a short message, nice and sweet, letting him know that I stopped by to surprise him and when he was available, to give me a call. Driving off I was really working to stay calm. It was 98% easy to leave the cool message, and I was fighting the 2% of me that was freaking out, (the irrational 2% that says nasty things like, "He's up there. He just doesn't want to see you" and "You should have called first. See what you get for being spontaneous?")

About 15 minutes later he called me, "When did you come by? I must have just missed you." He was down the street at this great little diner by his place having breakfast. I thanked my lucky stars that I had again gone with my rational 98% and didn't let my 2% fear show through. Yeah! His voice was warm and sweet and I could tell he was disappointed that he had missed me.
"If I come back will you act surprised?"
"Sure."

It was good to see him, to have him hold me and kiss me after a long week. We had some little bumps this week in communication (we hadn't seen each other since Monday night) and I was good, I didn't bring things up, I just left all of that in the past and focused on being positive, relaxed and open.

30-second relationship behavior analysis (Fear of Confrontation):
I feel like I am doing a really good job learning to understand that just because there is a miscommunication or a disagreement or some kind of bump, that it doesn't mean that we're having a total relationship meltdown. In previous relationships I worked overtime to not disagree with the man, to make things run "smoothly." I think this is a good trait, and makes me a easy woman to get along with 95% of the time, but the other 5% of the time I need to stand up for what I would like and for what I need. I think the "Let me be the first to say I'm sorry" or the "Let me be the first to say You're right" theory is good, especially since I am usually the one who needs to say that I'm sorry or that the other person is right, but I shouldn't say those things simply to avoid a conflict. I am hoping it is actually good for both of us to see that we can handle minor issues, apologize, put it behind us, and then move forward into our day/weekend/evening, enjoying ourselves and each other's company. Anyone back me up on this?

Being a good visitor...sleepover logistics...

Seriously now. How lame is it when you have someone stay over at your place and they are a total slob? We get pissed when it's our family we're STUCK with? But what about the person you're dating???

Here are the things I have tried to be conscious of when I'm staying at his place:
1. Not leaving hair, makeup, or tampon wrappers anywhere in his bathroom. (I wipe stuff up or put it in my own little containers to throw out later.)

2. Not putting my stuff everywhere. I have my little overnight bag of things and I keep it all together in a little spot on his dresser. I don't store clothes at his place. He does have a toothbrush for me, so I do use that. But that is the only thing I have there that is "mine."

3. Not lingering too long in the morning. After we have coffee together (or this morning, he made me breakfast!) I try to get going pretty quickly without rushing (get outta there before 11 or 12 for sure!) so that he can get going on the rest of his day. When I'm there I know he doesn't do the things he normally would.

4. Cleaning up after myself when it comes to dishes, etc. Helping clear the table. Helping do dishes and wipe counters and stuff when we cook together. This was a natural part of my upbringing, to help "clean and clear" after a meal, but I make sure I'm on it and don't leave him with all of the work!

5. Bringing over something appropriate when needed (little things)
...a bag of nice ground coffee (Starbucks or whatever) b/c we drink a lot of coffee together, and sometimes he even sends me off with "to-go" coffee in his travel mugs/thermoses
...Miller Lite or some other kind of beer he likes (always a good call)

Does anyone have any other "staying over at the boyfriend's" place etiquette or general tips? I'd love to hear what you guys have to say and what you think. I am of the opinion that men (perhaps unconsciously) judge a woman a lot by how she behaves when she stays over.

The message that I'm trying to send is that I'm thoughtful, gracious, conscientious and respectful of him and his things. That I understand that things in the house (beer, food, etc) doesn't appear by magic. That I'm a pleasure to have around, someone who doesn't wear out her welcome. That it is better to be in his place if I'm there with him. I am just trying to improve how I behave as a roommate and a potential partner, because there is always room for me to do a better job at existing peacefully with others, be it at work, at home or at school.

Because I'm the Corniest Girl on the Planet...my current favorite love song excerpts
(Or, YES I know Bryan Adams is not cool. Anymore.)

Look into my eyes
You will see
What you mean to me,
Search your heart,
Search your soul,
and when you find me there,
you'll search no more.

Okay, when he sings that part, it is clearly the best part of the song.

Or how about this perennial favorite:

Someday, when I'm awfully low
When the world is cold
I will feel a glow
Just thinking of you
And the way you look tonight.
Oh, but you're lovely--with your smile so warm
and your cheeks so soft
there is nothing for me but to love you--
just the way you look tonight.

Or, everyone just be glad that I didn't pick lyrics from "When a man loves a woman" because I love that one too.