The Slick Adventures of Downtown Girl

Momma said knock you out

Tuesday, April 03, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

I don't like to
Be alone at night
And I don't like to
hear I'm wrong when I'm right

Today was a hell of a day.
I zebra-striped my face with mascara at work with my tears.
My stomach ached and begged me to not eat for the rest of my life, because if I put food in it, the internal and external pressure surrounding my desk would make me explode, and they would have to scrape me off of the walls.

And I don't like to have the rain on my shoes
but I do love you
but I do love you

It was the kind of day that coming home, when little things here went wrong, like I couldn't find my cute yellow hair-tie or misplaced my stamps to mail my bills, I had to fight back tears.

My grandfather's birthday was today. I spoke to him briefly. He could tell I was sad. He told me he loved me about 3 times, which is a lot for him. We can go three or four conversations and him never say it. Somehow he knew I was melancholy. I shouldn't be surprised. The man has known me my whole life.

I don't like to
see the sky painted grey
and I don't like when
nothing's going my way

It was fitting that it rained today, that the thunder and lightning started up as I was pumping my gas before work today. What were you trying to tell me, God? I know I'm being dramatic but looking back over the day, that was kind of an omen. Also I burned the toast I made myself at R's house this morning. Right then and there, I should have climbed back under his comforter and gone back to sleep.

and I don't like to
be the one with the blues
but I do love you
yes I do love you

Can you imagine what he would have done, coming home at 7 or 8 or 9, finding me still in his bed with my pj's on, still under the covers despite the lightning and thunder?

Love everything about the way you're lovin' me
the way you rest your head upon my shoulder when you sleep
I'd love to kiss you in the rain
I love everything you do
Oh, I do

Last night he was amazing. Totally amazing. Being with him, even for a couple of hours before going to bed is really great. Snuggling in with him and resting my head on his strong chest and feeling his breath on my hair is so nice. I feel so content when I'm laying there with him.

I'm nervous that he doesn't sleep as well if I'm there with him. What is funny is he probably doesn't sleep as well if I am not sleeping well because I'm nervous he's not sleeping well. Whew. That was a complicated sentence.

All I know is that I am exhausted, upset about some of my work situations, and ready for it to be the weekend already. I am that quiet, profound kind of sad. It is that weird river-runs-deep type. Before it gets out of control I will ask for help but as of right now I have it under control. I know that as great as R or any of my friends are, they cannot help me cool my internal climate if I am not willing to let it be cooled. I know that I choose how I react and respond to things and I am trying to choose to be positive.

What is complicated is that normally I am positive and do not have to "choose" or "try" to be positive. Naturally perky, my baseline is that of a person who is pretty content. Now I feel like I'm struggling to climb back up to my baseline, hanging perilously below where I should be. Forcing smiles and appropriate sentences feels like I am dangling even further from my real self. I hate getting knocked out of my groove because it is like I get knocked clear out of myself.

Again I find it odd that I can be so strong and so put together for so long and then get taken down like this. I am usually too proud to break. Guess today I was low on pride. It is weird to have so much happy and sad within me. Normally the sad is so little or non existent that I don't even notice it is there. I guess I need to have these times so I can be thankful that I am generally so blissful.

Lyrics from Lee Ann Rimes "I do love you"