The Slick Adventures of Downtown Girl

Why Not?

Thursday, May 03, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Text Time is "Fun" Time

2:45 pm today: "My cousin invited me for blah blah tonight. Can we raincheck until tomorrow?"
-R

I didn't see this message until about 5-fucking-30, about right after when I had happily re-applied my eyeshadow, lip gloss and put a fresh coat of body butter on my legs, feet and shoulders to get ready to go see R. Hands shaking, breath caught in my throat, I pounded out the following...

5:45 today: "Okay. Have fun."
-Kate

Commence inner screaming. I don't know if it was the extra pep from the 16 oz energy drink I had just downed (I know, I know they are bad for me) but I was PISSED.

I packed an overnight bag for...this?
After how hectic work has been, how unsure I felt after leaving him that note, after BLOW DRYING MY HAIR THIS MORNING and wearing gorgeous lingerie under my work clothes, I just felt like crying. (Like I match my lingerie when no one is going to see it. Give me a break.)

I was so angry there would only be two choices (and, scarily, no inbetween) if I called him:
1. Completely flip out
2. Completely fake it
I did have the presence of mind to know that flipping out on him for changing plans was NOT the thing to do. Talk to him eventually-yes, but flip out or fake?

Phone a friend, Regis
So....instead, I cried on the phone to my best girlfriend: "I look sooooooooo beautiful and he's cancelling on me and I said it was okay because I'm an asshole and I didn't see his text until RIGHT NOW and it's SO LATE and I'm an idiot and just, just, shitballsmotherfucker!" I think I said all of that IN ONE BREATH. Probably at an octave only understood by dolphins.

And, she gave me some of my own advice after a little pep talk.

You're still learning to be flexible, to NOT take it SO personally when things come up for other people that make them have to change plans or that make them late places. You're considerate and organized and lovely. But, Kate? If you're upset and feeling put out, you need to tell him. He needs to understand that while you can switch nights for him, that you put a lot of effort into seeing him tonight and are disappointed. You need to tell HIM, not ME. When you're CALM.

I took a lot of big, deep breaths and started to get ready to hang tough.

I was able to call him when I got out to my car. I apologized that I didn't respond to him earlier--I was just super-busy at work and didn't mean to not get back to him sooner like I normally would (like, I wasn't trying to be passive-aggressive.) I let him know that it made it even harder for me because I saw it so late. I confessed sweetly that I missed him and was looking forward to tonight. That I was looking very pretty today because I knew I was going to see him, and that I'm wearing the cute summery lingerie I have--its time for the lacy whites, peaches and pastels.

Being Honest Always Works. (It sucks but it works.)
He was sympathetic and sweet, laughing that he was sorry and that I was "killing him" telling him about the underthings. He said he knew it was last minute and that's why he was "asking, not just saying that he was going." (And that sort of consideration, friends? That sort of consideration is awesome from a man, right there. That is love. I'm not his wife or his live-in girlfriend or anyone extremely "officially" serious and he ASKED me. Asked. Attaboy.)

I told him that I wanted him to go and that I had no problem with him going, but that I was disappointed because I was so excited about seeing him. He told me that he missed me and was looking forward to seeing me as well. I told him he might have to make it up to me by taking me out to eat tomorrow.

Despite the 0-to-60 emotional response, I'm in forward motion
And in retrospect? I took it as well as can be expected. I am doing better at being flexible. It is a tall order for me, and a BIG VICTORY that I called him to talk and let him know that I was all prepped to see him and changing plans at the last minute was kind-of-less-than-awesome for me. Even though I had to "bitch" a little and stand up for myself I am proud that I did. I am a person who will not take being shuffled out sitting down.

Blast from our dating past (January)--Remember how I said it was "totally okay" for him to go to that concert with Amy and then the morning after (the first wedding he took me to) I had a complete meltdown in the car with him? The meltdown is what we're trying to avoid. Even better would be not saying that I'm okay when I'm not, or saying that I'm okay but being specific.

Like tonight, instead of "Okay, Have Fun":
1. "Go ahead. I was looking forward to seeing you but want you to fit as many things in your week as possible. Have fun."
2. "Sounds fun. Too bad you're going to miss out on how cute I look today. See you tomorrow!"

Best of all would be staying really calm and skipping that part about crying on the phone to the girlfriends. I know it isn't going to always be possible. This is why God created girlfriends, Toblerones, Diet Coke and Whiskey.

Love until Later,
Kate