The Slick Adventures of Downtown Girl

Oh, Boy

Tuesday, February 27, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Because "being civil" means that we, apparently, are supposed to "communicate"

I had a few short talks with the ex recently (because there was stuff he wanted to talk about) and have been thinking about some of the things he had said to me.

1. That I'm IMPOSSIBLE to please, that if things aren't exactly how I wanted them I make it painfully clear that whatever it is sooooo does NOT meet my standards. Apparently this struck the fear of God into my ex, paralyzing him when it came to giving me gifts. So he'd just buy things for me that were actually meant "for him", like tickets to sporting events, baseball hats and playstation games. Because you all know I wanted Grand Theft Auto!

2. That he felt like I had "one foot out the door" for a long time, that I was just waiting for him to screw up some more so I could totally leave.

Okay. So, #1. I think this is kind of bullshit. I am a (generally) happy person, fundamentally amused by little things and details. My ex is not a detail-oriented person, and would often miss finer points and details of things. So being a very focused, type A person, I would get frustrated when he would get something "generally" right but then not get the details right--it felt like he wasn't paying attention. As a happy person, when I am disappointed, which I was more and more, especially towards the end, it is more apparent than in someone who isn't quite as cheery all of the time.

Okay. So, #2. This is a justification of his for his bad behavior. I am not buying this for a second. It sounds a lot like, "I'm already screwing up, so why don't I screw up more?" If I hadn't been married to him I would have been outta there so fast after the plate throwing incident he wouldn't have known what had happened.

Being married in and of itself meant something important to me--and wanting to believe in working as hard as you can at being someone's wife isn't wrong, what was wrong was the man I chose. Clearly I also have a lot of work to do on myself as well-I will concede that fact easily.

It is okay to take pride in the various roles that I find myself in during the day and am pleased that the huge burden of "Wife-to-a-total-asshole" isn't one of them. Clearly my ex is struggling through things--even though I did not choose to get a large sum of money from him, what he has lost is not something he can buy. I don't wish for him to hurt, but I don't feel bad, either--I spent way too much time making my stomach hurt and wringing my hands over "what-he-wanted" and whether he was happy and was everything going perfect for him today?

With my expanded time and energy, I am able to be a better "Friend", "Winggirl", "Neighbor", "Colleague", "Volunteer", "Daughter", "Granddaughter", "Niece", "Sister", "Catholic", "Flutist" and perhaps the one I'm having the most fun with, "Girlfriend." Yay! I haven't gotten to do this whole "Girlfriend" thing in a long time. And I'm determined to rock it. Totally rock it.

Someday I'll get to add "Doctor" and perhaps "Mother" and...hopefully, sometime down the road, even re-add "Wife" to my lineup of roles. I am confident that one day I will marry a man that will be proud to have me at his side, someone who is not threatened by the fact that I'm smart, fun, and incredibly capable. I am grateful for the big "second chance" that life has given me to shine in all areas of my life. Thanks, God. Thanks, Life. Thanks, Chance.

I just thought about deleting this post, but I think I'll keep it. Somehow I managed to turn some sour commentary from my totally self-serving ex into an affirmation of who I am and who I want to become.

Love until later,
K

random thoughts

Saturday, February 17, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

i'm driving home
watching last night's snow blow off my windshields
thinking

what is my credit score?
did i send that email for work?
how did you make my toes curl this morning?

i'm wiping my counters
watching the crumbs gather in the formica corners
wondering

how long until medical school starts?
will i make a lot of new friends?
can i crawl into bed with you tonight?

i'm walking to the grocery
noticing the sun through the overpriced condos
deciding

how much i should spend on this trip
i hate riding the bus
i'd like to spend all day in bed with you

i'm laughing over dinner with friends
spearing sushi with careful precision
pondering

how do the cut the cucumbers so small?
(they leak out through the sides)
i want you here when i'm happy

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I just felt like doing some poetry. I think it is also because I spent tonight apart from R and had a good night with my good friend S, who I shared a delicious dinner with and then saw "Music & Lyrics" with. Good food, cute movie, great company. (When I am not with him, I do some thinking about him and tend to want to express. Hence, lame poetry. Sorry, readers.)

R's playing video games with his friend tonight. Last Friday night, he was out drinking with a pal of his. I'm glad that we're spending time apart with our friends--it gives me a chance to keep building my non-romantic (*very important!) relationships and also (bonus!) demonstrates to him that my own life is crucial to my survival. This relationship with him is the first one where I have traded time with my boyfriend for time with friends, where I tell the bf that I've got plans with one of my girlfriends on Saturday, so could we hang out on Friday instead?

Also, I want him to understand that I need him to cultivate other meaningful relationships outside ours, that I cannot provide 100% of what he needs. I simply cannot understand his military experiences like his best buddy can. I cannot sit and watch sports with him the way his dad or buddies do. I certainly provide NO COMPETITION in terms of drinking him under the table--I'd need about another 50 pounds and a little more experience to boot.

Ditto that for any sort of "shoot-em-up" or "sports" video game--I'm just not going to be able to "bring it" like the boys can. Even if I could beat him at poker, violent video games, darts, or flip-cup, I don't really want to. He and his friends can duke it out at those things! While he doesn't expect me to do these things with him, he should still expect to do these things. I guess the bottom line is that I don't want to be included in everything he does. My feeling close to him is not contingent on me being up in his business all the time. It is way more important to me that he's accessible to me: when I send him a text message, that he writes back; when I leave him a message, that he calls within a reasonable time. Not that whatever he's doing, I have to be his sidekick or watch him do it or whatever. This is also a shift for me. I used to think that closeness equaled total involvement whereas now I understand that closeness is dependent on quality, select involvement and an appropriate amount of space.

What's kind of fun is to see that while my time with him is incredibly fulfilling, the contrast between the quality of our time together and our time with other people (at least for me) is growing. Time with him is ridiculously satisfying for me--we are starting to "get" each other's sense of humor (I'm being sarcastic back with him and handling his good-natured teasing better) and are getting really good at being intimate both inside and outside of the bedroom. I want to think that on some level, R is developing a sense that with me, he gets an experience he can't get anywhere else, that he slowly starts to get the feeling that I'm irreplaceable and hopefully that I'm truly perfect for him, someone he would want to keep around always. This afternoon when R dropped me off, he kissed and kissed me and wanted to make sure that we are going to hang out tomorrow. I think we're on the right path here.

Love until later,
K
xoxox

Box of Roses

Thursday, February 15, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

I am thrilled with R

He did something I've always wanted: one of those secret things that I've always wanted...the long-stemmed red roses that come in a box. Mine were the first flowers to arrive of the day at my work, and they came in a bright red box with a white bow, resting in pink tissue paper, six up and six down with some sprigs of baby's breath!

The card, in his delicious male cursive, read:

I hate the holiday, but I do love you. xoxo, R.

I swear to God. That is so incredibly him. I was all teary and shaking when I got the box and when I opened the card. Yeah! I am impressed because I know he is not a bouquet of flowers kind of guy. I mean, he sent me some flowers for my birthday if you recall, but he doesn't bring flowers to our dates or anything.

On the way home from work I gave him a call to see what our dinner plan was (and to find out if I needed to bring something) and he said he had it covered. I could hear Frank Sinatra in the background.

I got to his place (after going to mine and sexfoliating, duhhhhh!), worked my way up his three flights of stairs, and his door was slightly askew. I walked in and his entire living/dining room was lit by little tea candles. He came barreling down his hallway (still in work clothes), kissed me and hurried back into the kitchen. Later he apologized for not giving me a long, lingering kiss when he saw me--something was burning on the stove. The food was great, the candlelight was romantic and it was really nice to be with him away from the hustle and bustle of a jam packed restaurant where all the couples are on display. It is amazing to be dating a man who knows how to cook! It is wonderful to be dating a man who knows how to be romantic. I am incredibly pleased with him and with what he was able to do for me despite his 12 hour a day work schedule.

I think this was the best valentine's yet because I:
1. Didn't hint at any of it (and got things I've always wanted!)
2. Didn't have to worry about a thing (everything was all taken care of!)
3. Am definitely in love with him.

I am starting to settle in a little
...and not pay attention so much to the rest of everything, or whether I have a back-up boyfriend (god forbid!), or whether I'm doing things "right" or "wrong" or whatever.

Since his little stress-out I have cut back the nights of the week that we see each other (to see if he is still reaching for me, even though he said he didn't want to take a step back) and have actually enjoyed how he calls me every night still to talk (to connect, subtly) and sends me text messages and stuff. What is weird is that the insertion of a little bit of space has actually brought us closer. Or perhaps it is the faith that even with some space in between, that R and I are still going to be close.

Last weekend, he actually apologized for his overall attitude (which I haven't perceived as incredibly negative, but whatever) because of his unhappiness with his work situation. I know that his self-identity and self-esteem are closely linked to his work experiences (which I don't think is uncommon for men, or women for that matter).

His work experience is sucking and taking up so much more time than he would like it to, and it is draining him. But we're supporting each other. Tonight, he sent me an angry text message (angry at work) about something that came up. I called him. I listened, making sure to reassure him that we could still have a blast this weekend, even if we had to modify plans. I wanted to give him something to look forward to getting through the workday for as well and will try to keep as positive of an attitude as possible tomorrow at work so I can be easygoing and sunshiny for him tomorrow night when he rolls in late. It is nice that I can cheer him up a little, even if I can't change his work suckiness...perhaps I can make some of the time he's NOT at work, worthwhile.

Situation: Nowhere

Sunday, February 11, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

Ugh. So it's 3:30 in the AM and I'm awake.

What the f*ck is the matter with my sleep schedule? Seriously! This week came around to Friday and I couldn't believe a week had passed. It literally evaporated into thin air. I know people SAY that kind of thing all of the time, but I feel like the only way I can tell that time was passing is that I cross out days on the calendar and my body feels like it got an ass-kicking seven times.

What am I stressed about, Dr. Phil?

1. My foot is broken. Argh!
2. Medical school loans. Oh, my God, I know it is an investment and all of that jazz, but holy cow it is a lot of $. Oh God, it is a lot of money.
3. It is extremely cold here in Chicago. The cold, dry weather is making me feel icky I think.
4. The fact that I can't go to the gym because of #1. I was using that for stress relief and now I can't.
5. Long work hours, feeling like I could work around the clock (haha I typed cock the first time!) and not get everything I'm supposed to do, done.
6. Doing my taxes with my ex.
7. Updating my settlement agreement with my ex.
8. Not getting our "official" divorce date in time to affect my financial aid for Medical School Loans.
9. I'm worried that being a doctor means I won't be able to have children. Or that by the time I can be in a healthy, advanced relationship for that long, that I will be too old. I know those things aren't true and that there are a ton of examples (mommd.com, holla!), and that by the time I graduate there will be even more women in medicine, but I still feel worried.
10. That I'm not making enough money at my job. I know that my bosses are paying me as much as they can, it is a new business, and they are my very, very good friends, but my income frankly kind of sucks compared to what it could be and what my skills are. The only problem is I start medical school in July and will need to leave whatever before then.

Make your own humidifier! (Or not.)

I'm thinking there is not enough humidity in my apartment, that maybe it's too dry in here, so I'm running my shower on SUPER HOT to try and put some water in the air for my poor lungs and sinuses. See how ghetto I am? I could get a humidifier from Bed, Bath or from Linens and Things but I am clearly too lazy (and my foot is clearly too broken) for me to lug that shit home. So instead, here I am, at almost FOUR AM, awake, running my shower, typing to you people.

"You're Perfect for Me."

(I know you guys were looking for this update.)

The day after we had that talk, R confessed that he didn't want to take a break, or step back anything about our relationship, that the stress he was feeling was work-related and in other areas of his life. That the time we were spending together was/is a huge plus for him. That I'm the best thing that has happened to him in a long time. And, he said that while I am not "perfect", nor does he expect me to be, I am "perfect" for him. Oh my God, when he says that stuff, how can I not be completely and totally in love with this man? And then my realistic side snaps in, that side that's afraid of being hurt.

I was and am slightly hesitant about things in a way, searching him with my eyes and my words to make sure that he is holding up his side of things and that he really wants to be here, in this relationship, making a serious effort to bring me the things that I need. All indications are showing that he does, that he just had a freak-out. And you know what? That's allowed. I think women forget that guys have a lot of emotional stuff going on too, but we are just not used to seeing it at all. (I know that in my experience with my ex and with men in general that I'm not!)

Last week we didn't see each other during the week as much as usual but did have some good phone conversations which satisfied my need to see him. I am calming down a lot in this relationship, finally. In that real-world way, the way where if he isn't paying attention to me every second, I don't seek out other men's attention because I'm upset/lonely/hedging my bets.

Last night he took me out on a date because "I hadn't taken you out on a date date in a while, and thought we should do that." Great! We went and saw some live music, I had a great burger, we curled up in bed together after and slept into Saturday afternoon. We watched a movie and drank our coffee together and he drove me home, offering me a bunch of his delicious lingering kisses in the truck and again (!) in front of my building. I can't imagine him kissing me like that, lingering, really taking his time (in public no less) and things not being okay. Us kissing like that is like when we first started dating.

Tonight, for example, he went out with friends, and I went out to dinner with friends, and he sent me a couple of text messages tonight letting me know he'll call me tomorrow and that he loves me. Perfect.

As long as I know what to expect, I am good. I am so good.

I think telling him exactly what I need (clear, frequent communication) was a really key choice. He's listening, too. Yes! I just need to keep being brave enough to let him know exactly what I need, on increasingly deeper levels (at appropriate times, obviously), so that he can know what I expect. Also, so that if he cannot give me what I need, I can recognize that as quickly as possible and will not waste my (or his) time hitting my head against the wall or wishing he (or I) was different in some way. What is interesting about human needs though is that I feel like what we need is kind of a moving target, that it is in constant flux and motion. As much as I can know myself, my needs are always going to be changing. Ugh! And now I have to try to communicate that to someone else. This is why relationships are so tough, right?

I'm going to try to get some (more) sleep. Time to turn the shower off. Goodnight, all.

xoxo,
Kate

All Sorted Out

Saturday, February 03, 2007 | posted by Kate | permalink | |

So R came over here and we talked about things.

He was kind of freaking out on me, team.
So I gave him choices. I was calm. I did not cry.

Choice 1: We scale things back, only seeing each other a couple of times a week, but he has to let me know when that is so that I am not freaking out. I don't cling if my expectations are managed. I'm still his girlfriend and we're still together but we take a HUGE step back in terms of how much time we're spending together, and see how it goes.

Choice 2: We take a break. We keep in touch but we see other people. I made it clear that I want to have a boyfriend who wants to be with me and who wants to see me a few times a week, and he is not doing me any favors by staying with me if that guy is NOT him.

Choice 3: We break up completely and don't contact each other. When I said this, his whole face crumpled. This was clearly not something he even wanted to go near.

He wanted choice #1. He wanted me to be his girlfriend still. He told me that he loved me and that he wanted to be with me but that it is a new thing for him to be with someone who loves him back. He clearly has some things he needs to work out within himself, and that's okay. He switched my calendar to february for me and unloaded my dishwasher (hey, it's hard on crutches!).

I love him already and want to give him this chance. Perhaps it is a mistake to do so, but I am going to do it anyhow. If he decides later on that he doesn't want to be with me, that he doesn't want to be here with me, I will understand that. I have taken a big step back because of his hesitation.

More of the same

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10:30 PM, last night: I resign myself to the thought that you're not calling. Two tylenol PM later, I am fast asleep, somewhere where this broken foot and where this heartache cannot reach me.

(How do I handle you not being here tonight or last night?)

7:20 AM, today: I wake up, prop up on my elbows just to see what time it is. I am profoundly disappointed that it is not about noon at this point.

(Is it okay to take more Tylenol PM? I think you aren't supposed to in the day.)

7:35 AM, today: I double check my phone, making sure I didn't miss you in my slumber. Before I open my phone, I prep myself: "Watch. More of the same." I'm right. I didn't miss your call, because there wasn't one.

(I'm clearly making it through here by the hour, by the minute, and the longer it goes, the easier it is getting. I am clear in my understanding that I've got to wait for you to come around when you're ready, and that I don't really want you to come over or talk to me until you've figured out what to say.)

7:45 AM, today: On my way to the bathroom on my crutches, I realize how much my back and shoulders hurt from having to haul myself around using my arms.

(The thought hits me that I've been doing fine, all by myself, for two whole days on this broken foot. Perhaps I have been a little emotionally unstable, but I have talked to a few good friends who have helped and there were a couple more that I could have called just for a chat if I had been more lonely.)

8:00 AM, today: What am I doing to do on crutches today? It is snowing. I don't have TV. I am starting to think I am kind of screwed.

(I go back and forth being strong.
Strong: I'm okay in here. I'll make a trip over to the video store and hang out with MacBook and maybe invite some friends over here later.
Weak: Fighting back tears. I can't do this. I'm going to be cooped up in here with this stupid foot, alone and lonely until I'm 30!
Strong: Stop contemplating calling R up in a flurry of tears. Begging him and him coming here because he wants to are two entirely different things.
Weak: Right now I need him to love me. (Sob)
Strong: You love yourself. You have friends that love you.

9:00 AM, today: I break down into tears. My foot is broken. Is my heart next?

I hate that when things are going well with him I feel about 25 and now that things aren't going so well I can feel my inner 16-year old crying somewhere in there. I don't understand how I can be so strong and so fragile at the same time.

10 AM, today: I decide that it's time to take a bath and wash my hair. I know that doing this will take me about an hour and a half. And then I should think about lunch.

There is a part of me still campaigning for you, that you're going to call. There is a part of me that says that you're still sleeping. I hate that I know what you are probably up to. I am doing the best that I can. I am doing the best that I can.

2 PM today: Where are you?

2:45 PM today: I'm leaving you a message to let you know that not hearing from you is hurting me---because I think if you realized what I was going through here, you wouldn't let it happen anymore.

3:15PM today: You're calling me. I'm exhausted with relief.