Study Time & Other Schedule Snafus
Tuesday, August 28, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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Being in school has kind of messed up my flexibility. Let me explain.
I am an extremely adept logistical and organizational planner, so, normally I am able to effortlessly juggle many commitments during the day, see many people, and have every object, change of wardrobe and even my car keys with me. Prepared. Perfect. This comes from being type A personality, I think.
Medical school is the ginormous wrench in these works. This educational process is suddenly all of my commitments, all of my "stuff" that I have to shlep along with me and in all of my thoughts night and day.
What does this have to do with anything?
Naturally, I have become a little terrified that my relationships with friends from before medical school will begin to strain when I can no longer "do my part" or even do MORE than my part to accommodate their schedules/needs/locations. Plain and simple, people are going to have to accommodate me. If I can do my part, I always, always do. But most of the time? Hands tied.
Most of my close friends have adjusted beautifully, checking in on me via phone and email and "snapping" me into the real world just when I need it. After 5 hours in the library analyzing brain-numbing histology pictures and biochemistry diagrams, I am not even sure WHAT DAY IT IS but then I listen to a voice message from a friend and suddenly feel HUMAN again.
Big Girls Don't Cry
However, R and I came to a head on this issue last night when he was supposed to come stay over here, and legit things came up for him (big work things and a family thing). It was late when he finished, and he chose to not come over after that.
What could have become a COMPLETE nightmare turned into something great--me expressing that I was afraid that now that I can't accommodate him more easily (now that I'm in school), that he isn't willing to go out of his way for me (not just him, others too), and that part of why I was upset was because him showing up looked like proof positive to disappointed little me that I'm not worth going out of the way for.
He was apologetic and obviously disappointed/frustrated about the situation. Normally, he's someone who doesn't want to be on the phone for very long but we spent 90 minutes talking to each other calmly, comforting the other and explaining our feelings and expectations. He realizes he has to figure more logistical/planning things out for us (instead of me doing it automatically like I have been). I need to trust him (and others) to love me and to pick up the "slack" inherent in people hanging out. Other people can worry about the details sometimes, too.
Love, Always
He said how much he loved me a few times and at one point said that there isn't anyone else that he'd rather be working through things with. Today, I got some sweet text messages from him even though he's on his 24-hour shift. I am so excited when we are able to move forward together through things--makes me feel like we are becoming a better team everyday. I love him dearly but am sort of proceeding with a bit of caution given the job situation. However, after some of the things he said on the phone (and the WAY he said them), my instincts tell me that he wouldn't leave me for a job somewhere else. (I realize that those instincts could be wrong, but...)
Hopefully I'll see him tomorrow night--I am DYING to see him. He's going to come out here to stay (if I get done with teaching & tutoring at a reasonable hour...) so I can just meet him at my house after my "marathon" of a Wednesday. Even though he starts his Thursday in the wee hours of the morning (his next 24-hour shift) he is going to come and stay here in the middle of the week. Woo.
I'm finding that being totally honest with people about my fears and expectations is not getting easier but I understand the value of being transparent with those who deserve it. If I had chosen to not do that, he would have thought I was trying to guilt trip him into coming over (which I wasn't) or worse. And, I would have felt like he wasn't willing to make time for me or that our time isn't important to him. But, we talked it out, and got to understand the other person and their approach to not only life, but our love a little bit more.
Life, and our love story, goes on.
xoxo until later,
Kate
PS: I'm sort of caught up on studies. No more code red. I do think nerdy jokes are even funnier, though. I am becoming EVEN NERDIER than before. I'm just sayin'.
Sub Sandwiches, Tooth Fairy, White Coats
Sunday, August 26, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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My first medical school test.
Results? 93%. Honors. Whew. Med students get the rest of the day off--no lectures.
R comes over for lunch, we walk hand-in-hand down the streets of my Chicago suburb, looking for somewhere to eat, contemplating various little diners and looking in shop windows before choosing Jimmy John's! It starts to rain lightly and we get a little wet but are exhilarated and laughing.
We sit on my fabulously comfy couch and talk more about the pending job situation. He tells me that he "doesn't want to do anything" that would take him away from us. He also explains that he hadn't thought of it the way that I had thought of it, that a normal breakup (if things were wrong) would be understandable, but to miss the potential on a perfectly good relationship because of a move? Hmmm....
Our talk made me feel better and I have calmed down slightly. His test for his out-of-state job (the next stages), if he completes them, happen on September 22. So for now, we all hope and pray that he lands a job that he wants HERE IN CHICAGO in the MEANTIME so there will be NO AWFUL decisions to make.
Friday 24 Aug
R's family (all five of them!!!) come to my medical school for our facility tours. They treat me to a delicious Italian dinner afterwards. I pick up my best girlfriend in the city and we have a sleepover.
L and I are laying in bed together, talking, when I feel something under my pillow. A jewelry box. She gave me a beautiful set of earrings as a "Congratulations!" gift for medical school. It was kind of like the tooth fairy had come...yay!
Saturday 24 Aug
Along with the other 145 members of my class, (2011!) I receive my white coat. R, very handsome in a full suit (even though he HATES wearing them!) and L, in a lovely blue dress, were there to cheer me on. We were only allowed to have two tickets, which sucked because there were a lot of other people that I would have wanted to invite.
The three of us went on a boat cruise on Lake Michigan with the rest of the class.
R and I went to a Bears game at Soldier Field. Bears win! (Da Bears!)
Code Red--Study Time Needed...
So much studying to catch up on because of TWO NIGHTS out this week--Friday and then ALL DAY Saturday. Normally I get at least 4 hours on Friday (but didn't because of the tour/dinner/sleepover) and then at least 4 hours on Saturday (but didn't because of the ceremony/brunch/cruise/Bears game).
Wish me luck.
Welcome to the Break Point
Sunday, August 19, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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He's been applying for all sorts of jobs, and the one that is moving forward the fastest is the one that would take him out of state, out of my immediate day-to-day life. He's got other prospects, of course, but there is a remote possibility he'll leave the town he calls home, where his family lives, to go do something else. Somewhere else. Somewhere not here.
My Position (*When I am not hyperventilating, of course)
I can't deal with a relationship that's long-distance; not with the pressure of medical school, and also because I understand love in a physical sense as well as a verbal sense.
If he's leaving, I need to know NOW so that I can get out of this relationship with him, stop spending my weekend mornings with him, stop building this relationship with him where I am picturing that potentially it would go somewhere. I don't like that I can't be more flexible, but I'm looking to build a serious relationship with someone, and that takes time. I can't lose 1-2 years in my mid 20's not having experiences with someone...because they are not around.
Basically, I confronted him with the above (albeit tearfully at points), letting him know that:
- I wasn't criticizing him for looking at jobs, and am very supportive of the fact and recognize that he wants to find a stable career choice
- I want him to do what he is going to do (b/c people do what they want eventually ANYWAY), and want to know what his thinking is, whatever that is, so I can understand his position better
- If his move is that he's moving somewhere else, that affects me directly b/c I can't deal with some long-distance stuff while I'm in school.
Indirectly, I think he also got the following messages:
- That he is extremely important to me, that he's a huge part of my life
- That even though I look strong, being abandoned is possibly the worst thing ever for me, someone leaving or going unexpectedly
We ended up going out to dinner after our talk, having a good evening, great morning, and breakfast together, too. We might get together tomorrow after my FIRST EVER MEDICAL SCHOOL TEST and he said "definitely" to hanging out next weekend, which is my White Coat Ceremony.
The Bottom Line
I am at that horrible place where I get to watch to see if at this point, if our lives are going to continue to converge. I've drawn my line, which is that I need someone who is HERE. If he's not going to be here, I can't play this. It is too hard for me. A good friend of mine said that this isn't an abandonment issue on my part ('cause I'm adopted), but rather something adults have to face from time to time.
So I get to hang in the balance and wonder if things are going to work out, if what he really wants is to be somewhere else, starting a new life and career. I understand what it is like to want to go places and start a new life. I understand he needs to have a career that he enjoys.
Questions for Thought
I know that if things don't work out, and he moves away, that I will be able to move on eventually. That I'll find someone to be with who will be happy to be with me. But I DON'T EVEN WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT, to acknowledge that I might be losing R so soon. As long as he lives here, there is no reason why we can't be together as long as problems don't crop up, etc. I can even understand a regular breakup in time. But to have a perfectly good relationship (with lots of potential in my opinion) bite the big one because of a career choice? Seems like a waste. Seems like a heartbreak on both sides that doesn't need to happen.
I guess I get to see where we really stand, where I fit into this vision of his life, if at all, in the future. It is completely possible that I am the "Right Girl" arriving at the "Wrong Time." And that would be just my luck. UGH! I guess it is better for me to find that out now if it's the case, and be "Right on time" for a man that is going to put me first.
My personal prayer:
God-I'm frightened and heartbroken over the prospect of this relationship with R ending. I'm NOT ready to let go of his love in my life yet. I'm not ready to give it up. What I AM ready for is for you to handle this situation, because you know my heart, because you've known me my whole life and even before then. Whatever the outcome is, I trust that you have a man for me and I promise that I will do my best to be good-hearted and worthy of that man so I will get another chance to be someone's wife someday. Please show me how to be strong. Amen.
My House or Yours?
Monday, August 13, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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I have decided that it is important for me to really think about what my motivations are for doing certain things, or making certain decisions. This is in part due to a question asked to us recently at school: "Who am I becoming by my actions?"
Don't get all up in arms and send me an email asking if any of these situations have happened to me...they haven't, which is precisely why I am exploring possible courses to take and what the outcomes may be.
On Living Together, and Autonomy
As most of you know, (or if you visit the archives!), I'm divorced. I didn't live with my ex-husband before we got married. Living with him would have facilitated my understanding that we weren't going to work out MORE QUICKLY, but our fate would still be the same--apart. For me, living together and marriage are related, but I want to make sure that I am understanding how. Let's talk about it.
Autonomy-Benefits
One of the nice things about living on your own is that you get to have a whole place that is uniquely yours, where your things live in a (hopefully) secure space. You decide where things go, when things get cleaned/organized (or not), what you're going to eat out of the fridge, etc. You can have down times and quiet moments that no other person is able to witness because you're in your own place. Breathing room. Your way, the only way, all the time.
Autonomy-Drawbacks
It can get lonely, you can feel isolated. All day-to-day responsibilities are solely yours. Depending on how many people you have around who you can call in for help, you are generally on your own. No input from someone else on decorating, improvements or organization (if you value that sort of thing, and I do.)
Moving in?
Obviously if you are going to give up the benefits of Autonomy, of having "my own place", living together should bring it's own benefits that equal or outweigh living alone.
But here is where it gets tricky. Living together brings the amalgamation of two people's personal lives, the messes of our daily lives under one roof. What's love got to do with it?
My Standard for Moving In Together
Moving in together, in my opinion, should be considered if and ONLY if:
1. It is NOT a "litmus test" for "should we get married?"
There are always going to be issues in living with ANYONE, day to day. There are problems inherent in running a household. Married people, in principle, get the protection from the covenant that they have made to each other that even though things get rough in day-to-day life, that those "bumps" don't jeapordize their relationship. People simply "living together" do not--more problems can arize and the two people don't really have a promise to each other to "see it through."
2. The motivation involves the following things:
a. Being able to spend more time together (to increase communication as well as emotional and sexual closeness)
b. Being able to work together on day-to-day life issues (as a team instead of individually)
c. To help one another out and begin to practice supporting the other in a more realistic sense
d. Financial benefit from the synergy of a household
I think those are pretty self-explanatory.
3. The understanding that the relationship will move to marriage in time (and explore each other's definitions of marriage) is implicit and unwaivering. This can mean engaged or not, depending on the relationship between the two. Engaged is definitely better though.
I don't think that people need to move in together to decide if they would be good married or not. Over time, you can tell if you should marry someone or not. I have decided that the best compatibility factor for marriage has to do with how closely the two people's understanding of what the covenant of marriage is. If both people have the same ideas (or similar) about what it means to be married and why someone would get married (as opposed to just live together or whatever), and they are willing to commit to that standard and that relationship, they will probably be fine. I say "probably" because there are most likely multiple factors at play--but I know that both people being on the same page is a huge one.
Klutz
Sunday, August 12, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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It's been a long week. After several days just trying to keep up with school work, put on a happy face and remember a TON of stuff, I find myself standing comfortably nestled in R's arms. He leans me back, so I can see his handsome face.
R: "You are incredibly beautiful. Even if I don't say it, I'm thinking it."
K: "Wow, I'm glad you think so..."
R: "Um, sweetie? You're standing on my toe."
I look down. I am. Shit.
K: (blushing, horrified) "Oops."
Is There A Doctor In The House?
Thursday, August 02, 2007 | posted by Kate |
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Don't look so surprised. It's medical school, friends. I have classes stacked up to my nose and I am loving about 90% of the content that we are reviewing and learning. I am grateful that I have already mastered a lot of these topics as an undergraduate or been over them since for the MCAT, etc. If I was coming in fresh, I would already be sunk.
The pace is terrifying.
None of the material that we are going over is exceedingly difficult, but there is a TON of it. Take for example, the $1,000 of books (yes, 1K) that I ordered for this year. Volumes and volumes of medical reference books ranging from "The Difficult Patient Interview" to "Genetics in Medicine" to "The Cell" to "Biochemistry." The amount of things I need to find, read, understand and memorize....it makes me tired thinking about it.
I am loving every (overall) minute.
Sitting in our beautiful, sunlit (indoor!) atrium area, eating my lunch with some colleagues, it struck me: THIS is what I get to do for the next four years. Be here in this beautiful building with these other smart people and learn things. Compared to work, this is a haven of wonder and the land of milk and honey. Work sucks.
